UnNews:Left wing falls off Qantas 747 flight, no safety implications says Qantas

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18 August 2008
UPDATE

QantasPlane

A photo taken by an unsuspecting Adelaidian right before the shit literally hit his face.

ADELAIDE, Australia -- In another frightening mistake by Qantas, a fully-laden 737-200 jet travelling from Sydney to Perth was forced to "release all unnecessary cargo" midflight due to the toilets on board being too full to flush. The mishap occured after an earlier routine flight from LA, after which Qantas staff forgot to empty the human waste compartments for the next flight. "Yeah, some nincompoop forgot to get ridda all tha' crap outta the flying machine" exclaimed Mr. Bruce Door, the head of Qantas' technical engineering division. "But you know those yanks, they're all so full o' sh** it wouldn'ta mattered anyway!"

Though Qantas refused to comment, some members of staff on board the flight said that they were quite frightened by the entire ordeal. "It was quite a bizzare incident" said an openly-gay male steward. "I mean, I've had experience with matters like this before, and let me tell you it's a very hard job getting the stains out." The co-pilot, who was apparently busy flirting with the steward at the time, laughed incoherently and added "...and that was when the cargo hold became the poop deck! *HIC*"

While the faecal <snigger> matter is being attempted to be taken seriously, Minister for Transport Anthony "half-albanian, half-lebanese" Albanese declared that it was a moot subject as the matter was handled without any incident. "I think we can be quite relieved that the cargo was safely jettisoned over Adelaide's CBD, and not over a place of any importance. And from what I hear it shouldn't make much difference to the current Adelaide CBD anyway. It might just improve the stench."

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16 August 2008

QantasTrunch

Even Ms. Trunchbull says "Qantas sold me a lemon!"

SYDNEY, Australia -- The left wing of a Qantas 747 flight to Singapore detached itself and fell from the plane midflight yesterday, much to the concern of the passengers onboard. Despite this being the third safety incident involving a Qantas jet this week, a Qantas spokesperson insisted that this occurence was not a safety risk, and was merely a "wear and tear" issue. "It had absolutely no safety implications. All passengers left the smoking wreckage unharmed, with only minor cuts or cases of internal bleeding."

Qantas also dismissed the allegations that their jets were falling apart. "All our jets are structurally sound, and are all still covered by their 3 year warranty from their manufacturers in Nigeria. If a plane was to break apart and cause loss of life, Qantas would be able to compensate the deceased's families for the tickets bought."

This event makes it the 29th incident this year involving Qantas planes, including a 737 flight to New Zealand which had it's rudder fall off, and a Boeing flight to Korea during which the fuselage "slightly" exploded. Qantas denies the linkage between the similar events.
PlaneParts

A number of Qantas jet parts have recently fallen off or exploded.

"Those incidents were completely unrelated to each other. The fact that all the involved planes were all constructed in Ethiopia is of no relevance." Another incident involving the oxygen masks on a Qantas flight two days ago was also brought up. "As was stated a few days ago, those oxygen masks were deliberately set up to pump carbon monoxide from the jet engine exhausts, as per our new greenhouse emmissions policy."

While most people are now skeptical on Qantas' safety standards, Transport Minister Anthony Albanese wished to dismiss any public uneasiness about the airline and it's planes. "I think that it's important to put this in perspective. People are killed on the road every day, yet nobody seems to complain about automobile safety standards. Even if there was a plane crash for every few flights that took off, air travel would still be the safest way to go."

To where, the minister did not elaborate.


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