UnNews:Left and Right unite - attack Middle
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Left and Right unite - attack Middle
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, June 30, 2015, 00:04:UTC)(
8 April 2007
edit Left and Right Unite - Attack Middle
AUSTIN, Texas - "We can finally work together," former President Bill Clinton said, reloading his MP5. "There is no room for compromise - and I'm glad the right finally agree with us on that. Come to papa..." he said, before shooting down a fleeing Democrat who had voted for the Iraq War.
"There will come a day when all left wingers will be dragged down to hell," Ann Coulter said, licking the blood off her throwing dagger. "But until then, we've got to clean house, so to speak." She started skinning her fresh kill, Mark Foley.
"Well I'm glad we've finally got them working together," said Mary Cormack, independent and middle-of-the-roader mother of three, dodging a lit Molotov cocktail. "I've said for years that compromise was possible, and now I'm being proved right. Come get some, you sons-of-bitches! I've got your man! I've got your man!" Mary dragged away Al Gore, knife to his throat - using him as a human shield.
"Someone has to end this violence," said Stephen Colbert, draped in an American flag and waving a white sheet above his head. "People, for the sake of the country, for the sake of peace, we can work together to..." Shots fired from all sides ended his apparently futile attempt to stop the conflict.
Early reports indicate approximately 70 dead, mostly independents, or leftists with some rightist views, or righties with left leaning stances on some issues, although casualties from the far right and left were reported.
"Nooooo," screamed Fox News presenter Bill O'Reilly over the dead body of Karl Rove. "I will avenge you," he screamed, tying one of the Republican’s blood soaked bandages around his forehead and then disappearing into the jungle.
"We need to push more units along the East flank," presidential hopeful Obama spoke, before throwing a lit cigar at his prisoner in a monkey cage. "Where are the others," he demanded, loading his six-shot revolver with only a single bullet and spinning the barrel. "You think you're lucky, punk?"
The most noteworthy ground battle appeared to be between the united efforts of the pro-death and anti-choice camps, when they ambushed a group known to advocate ‘some kind of compromise’ on the issue of abortion. Mary Sue(pro-death) cautioned “The battle to be able to murder babies is a long one.” Father Patrick McMahon(anti-choice) continued “The fight to wind back women’s rights has only just begun. God willing, we will get women back into the kitchen.”
Public strategist genius Henry Softmore, who had headed the ‘You’re with us, or you’re a terrorist’ campaign throughout 2006 shared drinks with Keith Olbermann, writer of ‘Right Wingers = Nazis,’ the top selling political book of 2004. Keith said, “Really, after I had time to compare notes, we aren’t that much different(in our demonizing campaigns). On the inside, we’re both people slinging as much mud as possible at each other, (but) sometimes that means we miss throwing it at others.” Henry agreed, “Keith’s given me some fresh ideas for our ‘Only traitors question the President’ propaganda angle. I've got to dumb it down a bit (more). That's The Secret.”
At the time of reporting it appeared the majority of people known for compromise and 'working with the opposition' would be dead by the end of the day.