UnNews:Lecter's detention plan tests American legal tradition
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23 May 2009
BALTIMORE, Maryland -- Dr. Hannibal Lecter, noted forensic psychologist and epicurean cannibal, has stepped forward to suggest a new detention plan for the Gitmo detainees that some say "tests the bounds" of the American legal system. President Obama had been looking for a way to safely incarcerate the detainees in what his administration has suggested calling a "prolonged detention", an old English phrase meaning "holde ye foryver with nought a tryal".
There are already some legal tools that might allow this, such as the treatment of the mentally ill, dangerous sex offenders, and the kid who didn't have a thousand dollars bail when picked up with a baggie of pot. But historically, most Americans have shied away from holding people with no trial, reasoning in a cowardly fashion that if this is allowed, it might be them next.
President Obama had not released any details of his proposal, a proposal that many feared would have ended up under review by the Supreme Court, as it would seem to violate the entirety of the U.S. Constitution, not to mention being what he had campaigned against. That's when Dr. Lecter came out of his self-imposed seclusion to lend a hand.
"If you simply bring me the detainees, I will house them in my secure basement facility, as many as I can accomodate, and distribute such that I cannot to...let us say...like-minded associates with proven experience in confinement methodologies.", said Dr. Lecter in a memorandum submitted to the White House yesterday. The "associates" the doctor refers to are believed to be a well trained and experienced group of psychopathic serial killers, who's basements have already been modified in a manner that would make a SuperMax seem like a child's playpen.
Initial reaction was favorable, especially amongst Corrections officers from Leavenworth to Sing Sing. "Why should we have to put our brave soldiers at risk guarding scum who could easily over power them? Let the men of proven performance - the American Psychopaths - handle these dangerous detainees.", said the Commandant of Ft. Leavenworth, adding, "Besides, any SuperMax is vulnerable to some ACLU smartie with a Writ of Habeus Corpus, and who wants to deal with that paperwork hassle? Let those liberals try to play their legal games with Lecter's friends, hell, those psychos eat wimps like them for breakfast!"
As Rush Limbaugh, leader of the GOP pointed out, such psychos, like Rush himself, do eat liberals for breakfast. And lunch and dinner. He pointed out that his own basement had a very large hole in it that he believed would easily hold two or three detainees. "But I have concerns about my dog.", Limbaugh said, "I'd not want those men to get their hands on my Precious."
Several Congressmen have cautiously endorsed this exciting new plan. "In retrospect, I'm surprised we didn't think of it before", said Congressman Newt Gingrich. "After all, these psychos have been well ahead of their time in understanding that some people need confining, whether they are guilty of anything or not. For too long have we overlooked the natural resource of the American psychopathic community. These men have clearly been trail blazers in the arbitrary detention of human beings who annoyed, frightened, or otherwise came to their attention."
Critics of the Bush Administration, and now of the Obama Administration, have expressed outrage. They claim that holding people with no trial is in all cases wrong, and that if someone isn't dangerous enough to make a case against them, one should simply let them go. Fortunately, Dr. Lecter has expressed his willingness to address their concerns. In his memorandum, he suggests that all who find fault with his proposal should meet him at a yet to be disclosed secluded location at 3am, where their doubts will be "laid to rest".
A local reporter caught up with Representative Nancy Pelosi while she was shopping, and asked her what she thought of this. "Whatever, just so long as you know that I've never been briefed by Dr. Lecter before, or met him at all. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to buy some fava beans and a nice chianti."
- WILLIAM GLABERSON "President’s Detention Plan Tests American Legal Tradition". The New York Times, May 22, 2009