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29 November 2011
In light of the shortened NBA season and player salary cuts, professional megalomaniac and occasional basketball player Lebron James has quit the Miami Heat in order to create a basketball league of his own. The new league, called the the LBA (LebronJames Basketball Association), is similar to the NBA except that Lebron James is the only player in the league. Instead of the typical 5 on 5 matchups usually seen in pro basketball, "games" in the LBA will feature Lebron running aimlessly around the court, dunking, shooting trick shots, and occasionally cracking jokes with the audience. Lebron James is the commissioner of the new league, as well as the head coach and starting guard of the league's only team, the Lebron James Lebrons. It is also rumored that Dwayne Wade will provide color commentary for all LBA games.
NBA analysts were unsure whether or not Lebron would stick with the Heat until he announced his departure during a three hour ESPN special called "The Decision Part II: The Reckoning". On the show, Lebron voiced his displeasure with several aspects of the NBA, especially the fact that his contract was reduced from $5 billion a year to a measly $4,900,000,000. In the LBA, Lebron will have total control of his salary, as all revenue earned from the league will be deposited directly into Lebron's bank account.
Lebron's decision does not come as a total surprise. During the recent NBA lockout, the ever restless Lebron showed interest in leagues outside of the NBA. He made headlines with his brief forays into several other professional sports leagues, including but not limited to: the MLB, NFL, NHL, CFL, PGA, and the 2011 Drunk Olympics. All of these attempts at "taking his talents elsewhere" proved spectacularly unsuccessful. During his short tenure as a quarterback for the Seattle Seahawks, for example, Lebron completed 1 of 20 passes for -22 yards. Shortly after his performance, he was run out of town by an angry mob led by Pete Carroll himself. Lebron is confident that he will thrive in the LBA however, as the LBA lends itself to Lebron's greatest talent: being Lebron James.
The reactions of Lebron's former teammates were mixed. Dwayne Wade was thrilled by the news, as he will now be the main focus of the Heat's offense. Chris Bosh, however, simply growled ferally at our interviewers and slobbered all over the cameraman's lens.
In other NBA news, several players who signed contracts with Chinese teams during the lockout are now being held against their will by Chinese authorities. The Chinese government seeks to utilize the height of the American players, as the median height of Chinese basketball players is a hilarious 5 feet 2 inches. The American players are currently enrolled at a communist indoctrination camp and will likely be pledging their allegiance to the CPC come next spring.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|