UnNews:Leave Britney Alone supporter a complete fuck-up
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Leave Britney Alone supporter a complete fuck-up
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, April 29, 2016, 14:19:UTC)(
15 September 2007
Crocker, a Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen wannabe is having a sympathetic nervous breakdown in a celebratory homage to Spears, pleading in his/her/its You Tube video to “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE and pay fucking attention to ME, damn it!”
Crocker’s plea is both a defense of Spears and her overly emotional performance on the Video Music Awards, and an act of self-validation for the person that he/she/it is turning into by not taking his/her/its meds.
“Spears Ambien® induced performance is a clear indication that she is either a Zombie, or is headed for an appearance on Celebrity Fit Club,” said television psychologist Dr. Keith Ablow. When asked about Crocker and his/her/its passionate cry for people to leave Britney alone, Ablow was more direct, calling Crocker a complete fuck-up. “No doubt about it, he’s a fucked-up fuck-up.”
Crocker, who has made a career of performing under a tent made from sheets, said that the venue allows he/she/it to perform in a completely secret location. “My fucking 500 thread-count percale sheets provide absolute fucking secrecy and because this environment is sound-proof, my fucking parents have no fucking idea that I am up way past my bedtime. It also prevents me from being attacked by monsters under the bed.”
Spears issued a statement following the release of what she called a “completely unhinged psycho defense” of her performance. “If this is the type of fan base that I am attracting,” said Spears, “I got to git me dried out and detoxified,” adding that “this is the type of person who will try and hunt me down with a Bowie knife one day an' kill me so I will be theirs forever. No amount of fun with Paris Hilton or my ex baby-daddy is worth this bullshit.”