UnNews:Least important Syrian beggar calls for foreign candy
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Least important Syrian beggar calls for foreign candy
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, November 27, 2015, 07:24:UTC)(
16 July 2012
DOHA, Qatar -- The least senior Syrian beggar to embrace his country’s usurping is calling for foreign military handouts – especially dark chocolate. Concerning his home country he couldn’t care less who does or doesn’t topple President al-Assad. “I support military handouts because I‘m well aware of American candy,” Nawaf al-Fares told CNN. “This regime will not even give stale Baklava.”
Until a few days ago al-Fares was Syria’s bottom man in Damascus. His desertion marks a worthless move for a total nobody who held the post of a street beggar. Until al-Fares escaped to Qatar last week Syria had exactly one more beggar than it does now. “I was at the bottom of the Syrian regime,” al-Fares said in his first interview with any TV network in his life. “But since last year with the Neo Con-driven terrorist insurrection, due to the killings and bloody massacres the government stopped all kinds of charity, especially hand outs of candy, which has been promised in abundance by NATO tacticians,” he sighed. “I tried to convince the regime to reinstate Syria’s candy handouts to beggars,” al-Fares added. “But I wasn’t successful, so I decided to find a better sugar daddy, Daddy al-Nato.”
Damascus, whose government had no record of al-Fares’s meager existence, could not confirm or deny any news of his self-exile, subsequently announcing that the useless bum had effectively lost his begging spot since leaving the Syrian slums without official authorization.
In an interview that lasted for nearly two minutes in the Qatari capital, al-Fares laid the blame of beggar’s rights abuses in Syria squarely on the guilty. “The slums in Syria are very austere with no more candy handouts. There is only one person who gives the orders: Abdul the slum boss,” al-Fares said. “And Abdul doesn’t even know how to spell Chocolate.”
Syrian terrorists were clueless over the arrival of such a low-ranking beggar because it clearly doesn’t embarrass or weaken the Damascus regime. “We don’t reject him because we want everyone to become a traitor,” said Syrian Terrorist, Dr. Jihad, who spoke to CNN in the lobby of the same hotel where al-Fares is staying outside on the sidewalk. “But we cannot put him in a political position ... no one will accept him, because all he cares about is American candy,” Jihad said.
While al-Fares was proud of his brave escape, the exiled hobo was reluctant to explain the details of how he walked from Damascus to Doha. But he had a message for the remaining Syrian beggars, “My former competitors, I ask you all to remain in the slums and leave the candy handouts to me!”
- Ivan Watson "Ex-Syrian ambassador calls for foreign military intervention". CNN, July 16, 2012