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17 September 2008
HOLLOWED-OUT VOLCANO, Somewhere in the Pacific. At their annual general meeting, the international League of Despots declared that they were "Very concerned" about the apparent willingness of longtime member Robert Mugabe to share power with Morgan Tsvangirai, the leader of the Movement for Democratic Change.
"Zimbabwe has a long tradition of despotic and oppressive government" said the masked League chairman known only as Dr Destructo. "There has always been some concern about the presence of a functioning opposition in Zimbabwe but the hard work of vote-riggers and brutal police has always made sure autocracy has prevailed. In recent months, though, and despite giving every impression of continuing Zimbabwe's long tradition of dictatorship, Mr Mugabe has conceded more and more to the opposition and now he has agreed to share power, making Mr Tsvangirai his Prime Minister. We at the LoD fear that Zimbabwe's precious despotism is under threat".
The League has demanded that a "rapid reaction force" be sent to Zimbabwe consisting of "jackbooted thugs, deathsquads, trained torturers and demented political ideologues" to stop Zimbabwe's "tragic slip towards constitutional government and rule by consent".
"These are dark days for dictatorship" said the League's deputy-chairman Colonel Crazy. "In the last twenty years Chile, Panama, Poland, Serbia and countless other shining examples of repression and thuggery have been subverted turning the rule of the fist into the rule of law. It's only through a lot of effort from the league that Russia and China have been spared these horrors".
Despite these setbacks, the League has said there are some "glimmers of hope" in the democratic world. Hugo Chavez has been praised for "taking steps to move Venezuela towards a more autocratic future" and President Bush was commended for "building despotic institutions in a functioning democracy" with regards to Guantanamo Bay. Nevertheless, with Zimbabwe's possible moves towards freedom and with so many countries already lost to their cause the League remains vigilant. "Democracy may seem like its taking over the world" says Dr Destructo "But we feel tyranny has a lot of life left in it yet. North Korea has the bomb and we may still yet win in Iraq and Afghanistan. Wait and see, it's not over by a long shot".