UnNews:Laura Bush jealous of President's lunch date with Nancy Pelosi
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
10 November 2006
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WASHINGTON, DC -- First Lady Laura Bush was very displeased with her husband on Thursday after he invited Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi for a lunch date. Pelosi gladly accepted, and the two enjoyed a romantic meal at the White House. Mrs. Bush meanwhile was snubbed and forced to dine with advisor Karl Rove, whose rotund, bald head no longer seemed as attractive to her after the architect failed to orchestrate a Republican victory in this week's midterms.
To the surprise of many, the President's date went "splendidly" according to waiters who served the couple. The two were seen chatting pleasantly and laughing; Mr. Bush even did a Merkel-style shoulder massage for Pelosi. High-placed sources say Bush has really fallen for the woman and is willing to do almost anything for her; Rumsfeld's sacking was apparently a pre-condition of her accepting the date in the first place. Their interaction is drastically different from before the elections, when Bush mocked Pelosi for being a "secret admirer" of tax cuts. Little did she know that he was actually a secret admirer of her.
Democrats are equally baffled as Republicans by this most unlikely of relationships. "But I guess opposites really do attract," quipped Senate leader Harry Reid. Still, spokesmen for both parties say that both Bush and Pelosi will continue to adhere to their core values - "rest assured that if Bush gets Pelosi pregnant, abortion will certainly be an option," claimed one Democratic strategist. Likewise, Press Secretary Tony Snow assured curious reporters that if Bush finds out Pelosi is still hanging out with her gay, liberal, flag-burning friends, she would be "permanently barred from the sacred halls of the White House."
Asked how the President, who is normally so strong on family values, could be involved in an extramarital affair, Snow had a very simple response: "The President understands that on Tuesday Americans voted for a new direction. Clearly the people want a return to the Clinton days of Democratic rule, and so Mr. Bush is providing the people with a Monica Lewinsky style scandal." The Press Secretary went on to describe how Mr. Bush's affair is "far more civilized" than Clinton's and doesn't involve "cigars and hiding under the Oval Office desk."
Aides say the couple's next date is scheduled for this Saturday, when Mr. Bush plans a candle-lit dinner at a yet undisclosed location. Sources say a surprise weekend trip to the President's Crawford, Texas ranch for some "brush clearing - if you know what I mean" could also be in order. It is still unclear how Mrs. Laura Bush will deal with this situation, but her staff says she is encouraged by the fact her favorite rapper, Kevin Federline, is now single.