UnNews:Latest batch of Hitler clones contaminated with Neanderthal DNA
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Latest batch of Hitler clones contaminated with Neanderthal DNA
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, August 5, 2015, 11:41:UTC)(
1 November 2006
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"There was apparently a mix-up with samples of DNA we are researching in separate laboratories within the same facility," said geneticist, Hans Kleinschmidt, of the Mittenhagen Technical University.
One group of researchers was busy creating additional clones of der Fuhrer, Adolf Hitler, from blood and tissue samples taken shortly before his death during the collapse of Nazi Germany in 1946. Another group down the hallway was extracting Neanderthal DNA from teeth of a freeze-dried corpse recently discovered high in the French Alps.
"You can imagine our surprise when the clones of our beloved leader began to display Neanderthal characteristics," said Kleinschmidt.
During the hyper-accelerated growth process the clones are subjected to, more Hitler-like similarities emerged, but the Neanderthal characteristics remained. This latest version of Hitler is still intent on dominating the world and crushing his enemies, including the Jews and the Communists, but the famous Hitler speechmaking skills have diminished to a series of loud grunts and shrieks.
"Curiously, however, his speeches are still surprisingly effective with the German people," said Kleinschmidt.
Mittenhagen personnel intend to put new specimen handling protocols in place to avoid creating contaminated Hitler clones in the future as the 1000 Year Reich continues.