UnNews:Latest attempt to capture Santa Claus fails
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Latest attempt to capture Santa Claus fails
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, December 6, 2016, 22:06:UTC)(
26 December, Boxing Day
Greenwich, International Date Line-To nobody's surprise, the latest attempt to capture Santa Claus failed two days ago on Christmas eve.
Several Middle Eastern Terrorists, also colliqually known as Freelance Debris Architects, Private Defence Contractors, or Religious Nuts, attempted to trap Santa in an elaborate trap consisting of Christmas trees, presents, various weaponry, nucleur bombs, stinky cheddar cheese and a complex time paradox involving the International Date Line itself. However, their plan failed as Santa did not climb down the chimney of the house they were waiting in, but instead dropped several megatons worth of bombs down the chimney.
Only one terrorist survived to tell the tale, because according to him,he was out of the house to "take a leak", pissing outside being a habit acquired from young in most Middle Eastern men. The terrorist said that he was zipping up when suddenly "there was a bright light and a huge boom and the entire house collasped!" Waving his arms excitedly, he said, "I saw Santa! I tried to fire on him with my AK-47, but he threw a great big present towards me and knocked me out!"
The terrorist was immediately taken away by the CIA, for furthur questioning. The government spokesman sent to inform the public was vague, mentioning only something about the terorist "assisting in efforts to contact Santa." Naturally, several cultists and conspiracy theorists immediately formed conspiracies about the CIA and US Government trying to capture Santa, or aliens attempting to eradicate Santa.
Past unsuccessful attempts have been made to capture Santa Claus, each one resulting in a catastrophe of unimaginable consequences. The Egyptians under Rameses were the first to try, planning to use nets and spears to capture Santa, with the result being the collaspe of the Egyptian Empire and the escape of the Hebrews under Moses. The Romans were next, with Caeser being stabbed in revenge for the near-kidnapping of Santa's family. The Charge of the Light Brigade was met with depleted uranium shells from Santa's cannons. Recently, Mao Zedong tried to lure Santa with 12-year old virgin girls and boys. This caused the collaspe of Communism and the beginning of a 5 year period of constipation for Mao.
Many people fear that the failure of this latest attempt will cause yet another catastrophe. Several enterprising capitalists seized the opportunity to market their latest end-of-the-world-proof houses, the stock market collasped at 6.50am this morning, food and water prices have increased 4000 percent, and the various countries of the world have recently formed a coliation of exclusive trade alliances.
Indeed, the world is holding its breath, preparing for the supposedly invetible catastrophe. Many fear the worst is yet to come.