UnNews:Latest UnPolls predict huge win for Cthulhu
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Latest UnPolls predict huge win for Cthulhu
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 29, 2016, 05:49:UTC)(
15 September 2008
R'lyeh, Arctic Circle The race for the president's seat has been hot ever since Hillary Clinton was drowned in Broiling oil by Barack Obama. In early August, Barack announced his choosing of Joe Biden as his Running mate, later that month, his main rival in the race, Cthulhu, Announced his shocking pick for Vice President, Miss South Carolina. However, 4 hours after the pick, she was devilishly devoured at a speech. A week later, he chose Paris Hilton. Who would also be devoured. After Cthulhu's 3rd Pick, Jessica Simpson, it was clear to his campaign staff, that Cthulhu just wanted to eat stupid celebrity women, thus, come november, Unnews Predicted that Miley Cyrus would become Cthulhu's Running mate by 03.14AM on November 5th, thus the obvious running-mate. (it is feared that Cthulhu may resort to consuming younger and younger girls as the campaign goes on.)
But, today it was official, Cthulhu has a 100% chance of winning this election (with a %99 margin of probable doubts.) It was due to his most recent Running Mate, Sarah Palin. She was chosen by Cthulhu's Cyber-Manager "Iwannafingrfucpegihill69". Micheal Moore says it's because, since Cthulhu hasn't eaten Sarah Palin yet, that means that Cthulhu will be nicer to women than men, and thus, All men will be destroyed and the women of earth will be able to live freely.
When Barack Obama was questioned by us, at Unnews, No joke, we actually spoke to the man himself he said:
“Cthulhu? What? I don't think I understand what you are talking about, Who? Don't you mean John Mcai- ”
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|