|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
23 April 2006
(Waziristan Province, Pakistan) A new video tape with Al-Qaida leader Osama Bin Laden is making its rounds on the Internet. The tape was released by anonymous sources onto the Kazaa network last night, and has since been copied to virtually all of the online peer-to-peer networks and various websites. The tape, his first since last January, depicts perverted sexual acts that even atheists describe as "unholy."
The acts are too graphic to describe here, but porn star Ron Jeremy (who has viewed the tape), indicates that "in the thousands and thousands of movies I've been in, we have never done anything even close to this." The Christian Council for Family Values added,"Compared to Bin Laden's tape, "Debbie Does Dallas" is like a children's G rated cartoon."
CIA and NSA agents have confirmed with 99% certainty that the man depicted on the tape is indeed Osama Bin Laden. Experts say the man's "extremly tiny genitalia" uniquely identify him. Bin Laden appears to have had his beard trimmed since January, but "his 'stache remains bountiful", said a CIA spokesperson.
The Arabian porn network "Ass-Jazeera" (not affiliated with 24 hour news broadcaster Al-Jazeera) aired portions of the tape earlier today. The network's anchor claimed that in some unaired portions, Bin Laden takes a break from his debauchery to speak out against the Western world and its leaders. But even other fundamentalist Muslim terrorists say that "It's hard for Bin-Laden to preach literal Sharia law when he himself violates it in ways even the omnipotent Allah could never have envisioned.
The White House is quick to point out that the new tape means nothing, and that Bin Laden is just getting desperate. Spokesman Scott McClellan explained, "He's just trying to get attention by doing something he thinks people are interested in - porn. But his version of it is just disgusting. American porn is much, much better." President Bush pointed out how last night's lineup on the Playboy channel was far superior to "Osama's filth."
Even Afghanistan's Taliban is distancing itself from Bin Laden, with leader Mullah Mohammed Omar saying "For once I am glad I have a glass eye, so I don't have to look at Bin Laden's perversions on the tape." Experts are trying to determine where exactly the video tape was shot. Without going into details, an army general said that "there are only a small number of caves on the Afghanistan-Pakistan border that are large enough to contain the types of animals we've seen in the sex video."
One scene has a Taliban warrior having the French Flag, formerly the white flag used as a Surrender flag, shoved up his extremely hairy ass.