UnNews:Latest 'matyr' of bicycle hardxcore sex cult jailed for life following nationwide manhunt

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 A newsstand that's brimming with issues

27 November 2007

1870bicycle

The only picture of a bicycle on this site, try searching bicycle.

Robert Stewart, 51, was today convicted of sexual assault at the Scottish High Court of Justiciary, for molesting his bicycle. Mr. Stewart received three consecutive life sentences, a minimum of six months, for his illicit encounters with his sky blue Raleigh 720, but will be placed on the sex offenders register until the department loses its records.

Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.

Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told jurors: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

Both cleaners, who were "extremely shocked", told the hostel manager who called police.

Judge Colin Miller told Stewart: "In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'."

Stewart had denied the offence, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he huffed too many kittens.

The bachelor had been living in the hostel since October 2006 after moving from his council house in Girvan.

In a press conference the Home Secretary assured the country that Stewart was not 'the tip of the iceberg' amid growing concerns that a cult which glorifies the sexualising of bicycles was the cause of bicycles being stolen in London following an exclusive interview in the Daily Mail with a member of the growing cult.

A patriarch of a covenant of bicyxuals, as they are now known, who wished to remain nameless denied that bicycles were being stolen for illicit sexual, or indeed religious purposes.

David Cameron argued, in prime minister's question time today, that this conviction was illegal: "This is a clear breach of the right to a family and private life." To this he added, blushing: "It is up to any man to choose whether he simulates sex with an inanimate object in his own home"

Personal tools
projects