UnNews:Last spot in heaven taken; hundreds waitlisted
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Last spot in heaven taken; hundreds waitlisted
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, August 29, 2015, 09:44:UTC)(
14 March 2006
"We were very happy that we finally met our quota," said spokesperson Jim Williams.
The goal was finally reached after years of door-to-door soliciting, amassing over 6,000,000 members. Said Williams, "now all we have to worry about is the second coming, which is probably going to happen April 14, 2007. But who are we to guess?"
Green, the lucky last entrant, was expectedly estatic.
"Boy oh boy was this a great surprise!" said Green, a recent convert and avid fisherman with an inexplicable southern vernacular. "I was just settin' there on my bum when suddenly the doorbell rings, and these folks with this big ol' check are at my front door! I thought it was Ed McMahon and a million dollars, but this is pretty good, too!"
However, many wonder what will happen to the others who were hoping to get into the Big Party.
"One problem that obviously arises is the overflow," said Williams, "and with over five and a half million on the outside that sure is a lot."
- Dear Brother or Sister,
- The last spot in heaven has been taken. However, conflicts, cancellations, and blood transfusions could still occur, so don't lose hope. You are officially on the Jehovah Waitlist!
Some Witnesses were disappointed.
"I have always been a good and faithful person, never harming a soul, and what do I get?" said Wisconsin resident Norma Butler. "I get an envelope marked 'You may already be saved!' with this nonsense in it."
Williams said not to worry. "Hey, I was waitlisted trying to get into Princeton back in my day! Did I give up? No! Did I make it in? Of course not! But I never gave up hope!"
Those faithful on the waiting list are being compensated with a free six-month subscription to The Watchtower.
God was not available for comment.
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- J. Williams "[ Good job, gang!]". The Watchtower, March 13, 2006