UnNews:Last Minute Tax Tips From UnNews

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Last Minute Tax Tips From UnNews

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14 April 2006

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Unnews taxes

Taxes help pay for painting federal buildings purple.

(UnNews Secret Headquarters) US residents have only through Saturday to file their income tax returns, unless they follow the Julian calendar, in which case they have an extra 11 days. UnNews polling reveals that 110% of people put off filing until the last minute (margin of error: +/- 50%). In his weekly radio address, president Bush urged citizens to file their taxes on time so that "We can fund a military strike against Iran - but only as a last resort, of course." White House spokesman Scott McClellan added that tax money is also needed to help fund the president's yearly 6 month vacation.

Consulting financial experts from all across the country, UnNews has compiled the following tax tips as a service for our readers.

1. Costs associated with making your tax return can be deducted. For instance, if you paid to read this article, you can deduct that. By the way, if you did pay to read this article - you got ripped off.

2. Make sure to add a standard deduction for each one of your wives - not just the primary one. Mormons get an additional $100 bonus per wife.

3. Don't forget to deduct donations to churches and charities. But remember that Scientology is a cult, not a religion (sorry Tom Cruise - we know you donated a lot this year).

4. If you are a homeowner, file Schedule C on form 1040-d instead of Schedule D on form 780-a if your mortgage interest is above 7%, but make sure to fill out section 7a instead of 7b on that form. Be careful, because incorrectly filling out information on this form carries a minimum 2 year prison sentence.

5. If you derive most of your income from the Mafia, or other illegal organization, be sure you fill out your taxes extra-accurately. Remember that Al Capone got arrested for tax evasion, not for murder.

6. If you really want to cheat and misrepresent your income, modify the numbers on your W2 form. A 0 can be easily made to look like an 8, and a 1 turned into a 7.

7. Gambling losses have a 1 in 36 chance of being deducted, as determined by the roll of a die by your local IRS agent (double sixes must be rolled). If, however snake eyes are rolled, you must pay twice what you would have otherwise owed.

8. Remember the golden rule: "If you don't know something was taxable, you don't have to pay taxes on it." So we suggest you don't read the next sentence....... ....... Interest earned from husslin' on the streets is taxable.

9. To avoid paying taxes for accrued interest, make sure to put all your savings in a foreign bank account, but avoid Caribbean nations - the IRS always checks for hidden accounts there. We recommend Iceland.

10. Money received from Nigerian Princes can be deducted, but be sure to attach all e-mail correspondence with the princes to your tax return.

11. Throw out all your taxes, grab your guns, and take on the government!!! Anarchy!!!

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