UnNews:Laser printers may "have brought down the Twin Towers"
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Laser printers may "have brought down the Twin Towers"
A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Saturday, December 3, 2016, 11:44:UTC)(
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
2 August 2007
NEW YORK, New York -- OFFICE LASER PRINTERS are "bloody dangerous mate", according to an Australian professor, who is now calling for regulations to limit laser beams that the printers emit. The findings come as a report claims that more than 200 people were killed by laser beams eminating from faulty printers "in the last month alone!". Most controversially the findings suggest that the Twin Towers may have been destroyed by faulty "or even sabotaged" laser printers.
One office worker, who witnessed an incident described what happened: "...we thought it was just a paper jam but then when our manager, Mr Farmelcute, gave it a gentle kick he was disintegrated without any warning whatsoever!"
The average printer releases laser beams that can burn or even atomise human flesh to the bone, according to Morawska's team, part of the International Laboratory for Laser Beam Quality and Health, and specialists in atmospheric particle weapons.
The team tested 62 laser printer models, all relatively new, and found that 17 of them were "high emitters" of high energy laser beams. The beams have not had a full analysis, but some are "more than capable of disintegrating human flesh AND bone", according to a report in the Sydney Morning Herald. Several of the high emitters were HP LaserJet models, such as the 1320 and 4250, eight HP LaserJet 4050 series printers were shown to emit laser beams that are "powerful enough to shoot down planes, or bring down tall buildings", according to reports.
The result was a chance discovery, when a project investigating office ventilation systems, carried out jointly between the university and the Queensland Department of Public Works, resulted in the death of three workers who were atomised by a faulty laser printer. The lasers were traced to other printers, using an electronic sniffer, and were found to be the source of many burns and deaths within the office place that were previously put down to "high jinks and random murder".
US government officials will now face pressure to reopen the 9/11 investigation to see if laser printers played any role in the events of that day.