Laser CCTVs to solve UK yobbery problem
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 29, 2015, 16:16:UTC)(
4 April 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
MIDDLESBROUGH, England -- CCTV cameras fitted with futuristic sci-fi weaponry that incinerates anti-social yobs and criminals are to be installed across the country. The "Phaser" spy cameras are being set up in 20 areas across the country after a successful pilot scheme in Middlesbrough where 176 layabouts were destroyed and property values raised by 15%.
The test project saw vandals obliterated by super-accurate laserfire and litterbugs having their atoms sent into the next dimension by antimatter pulse weapons: "It's like a scene from fricking War of The Worlds on my estate" said one youth this morning, "or maybe Terminator".
Council workers in a control centre monitored pictures from 12 laser cameras in the town and destroyed people on the street at the flick of a switch, regardless of the severity of the matter. "Only yesterday I disintegrated an OAP granny who had wantonly pushed in front of a bus queue," one worker said,"you have no idea how good that felt."
However, the initial scheme was not without its problems. Last month a temporary council worker accidentally left a CCTV camera on "Mass Kill" setting, "well, Middlesbrough town centre was destroyed, but these kind of teething problems must be expected. All in all the scheme has been otherwise received very well," council spokesman Cecil Wildebeast stated, in a statement. "We look forward to rolling this out nationwide."
The scheme has also been criticised by opponents as a little over the top, "Only the other week two lads were wiped off the face of the planet for urinating in a shop doorway. Isn't that a little harsh?" one campaigner asked, shortly before having the top of his head cleaved off by a laser beam.
But the Home Secretary has insisted it was proven to work and the communities sharing nearly £100,500,000 in grants to adapt cameras would feel the benefits, "We are pioneering new law enforcement technologies that Judge Dredd would be proud of," John Reid said. "I don't see anyone complaining when HE dishes out summary justice!"
Fictional comic book character Judge Dredd was unavailable for comment last night.