UnNews:Las Vegas outlaws Michael Jackson
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Las Vegas outlaws Michael Jackson
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 2, 2015, 15:38:UTC)(
4 January 2007
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LAS VEGAS, Nevada -- Learning of threats that Michael Jackson, the pop star who has been living in self-imposed exile in Bahrain and Ireland following his narrow acquittal of child molestation charges in California, is planning to relocate to Sin City, Mayor Oscar Goodman led a successful campaign, during an emergency meeting of the city council, to outlaw Wacko Jacko. “He’s against the law in Las Vegas,” the mayor told reporters at a press conference last night, “and the penalty for being Michael Jackson inside the city limits is death, so, if you’re listening, you little pervert, I’d advise you to steer clear of my fair city.”
Jackson’s popularity has declined drastically since several young boys claimed the pop star got way too personal with them after putting them into pajamas and serving them hot chocolate in bed. There was more than innocence involved in the wacky singer’s bedroom antics, one accuser charged. “Instead of grabbing his own crotch,” as the singer often does on stage, the complainant declared, “the fruit loop was grabbing mine!”
As he did during his trial, which he attended in his pajamas, Jackson denied that anything improper or sexual took place in his bedroom. “Just because you sleep with a person doesn’t mean you sleep with him,” the crooner crooned. “Besides, oral sex isn’t sex. President Clinton taught us that, with Monica’s help.”
Jackson may work for Donald Trump, who, as always, is concerned with moral issues, children’s welfare, and second chances for the immoral and deranged. “I think, if Michael does have a problem with same-sex relationships--and I’m not saying he does--it’s a genetic thing. I mean, Latoya and Janet, as far as anyone can prove, are heterosexual, so it’s not environmental.”
Rosie O’Donnell, upon hearing Trump’s theory called the real estate tycoon and self-promoter “a cretin.”
If he doesn’t work for Trump, Jackson may headline an act at Wynn’s Casino, provided he can successfully challenge the city’s having outlawed the performer’s existence within the city’s limits.
“It’s a preposterous law,” both Trump and Steve Wynn agreed.
“I wish the mob were still running things in Vegas,” the mayor said. “Then we wouldn’t need any damned law to do the right thing. If the Mafia was still in charge and Wacko Jacko had enough balls to step foot in Vegas, he’d become a missing person faster than he could sing Tiptoe Through the Tulips or Smooth Criminal or whatever the fake-face idiot sings.”
Informed of Goodman’s comments, Jackson responded, “He loves me; he really loves me!”
- Lotta Lies "Michael Jackson’s coming to town: do you know where your children are?". Motown’s Low Down on the Down Low, January 2, 2007