Large Hadron Collider creates new mimetic metal alloy
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 2, 2016, 21:32:UTC)(
26 May 2011
175 METRES BENEATH THE EARTH'S SURFACE, Switzerland -- CERN scientists have revealed earlier today that the Large Hadron Collider has created a new mimetic metal alloy, rather than destroying the whole of existence as they had previously expected. But humanity isn't in the clear just yet. "It is believed that this liquid metal, which a few of us around the tunnel call 'Cameronium', is the basic building block of the T-1000 Series of Terminators," explained physicist Pier Dorneblau. "And tonight," he added, "I think it winked at me."
Sly winkery aside, this poly-alloy is a miraculous discovery with innumerable practical applications of a mostly defensive nature. As soon as the news was announced, defense contractors began their high-stakes bidding wars for a mere drop of metal. But as of yet there isn't much to go around. "We have only materialized a small amount for this first run. As a safety precaution, we must study the metal's intentions before creating a bigger batch of the stuff. But for now, we have enough for it to shapeshift itself into a small section of face or the entirety of a hand, minus the pinkie."
The sentient metal can do more than simple human mimicry. The team of physicists feel pangs of deep concern whenever the metallic glob disappears, seemingly evaporating into thin air. But moments later when it reappears and shouts "Peekaboo" in one of the scientist's voices, all their fears subside.
"It seems friendly enough," states Mildred Sandovs, another CERN physicist. "And it performs absolutely winningly at 'Rock, Paper, Bleu Cheese'. The first few times we played it seemed more interested in studying our every move, and would defiantly raspberry us when it lost. But now it never loses. It's the smartest metallic liquid I've ever had the pleasure of knowing."
Quickly changing their earlier assessment of a cautionary timeline for further development, the project leads ramped up production, colliding hadrons into the night. This highly escalated production schedule was suspect and lesser crew members seemed confused by the sudden scientific bravado of the higher-ups, but it wasn't like someone was holding a gun to their heads. An especially astute intern in the quantum mechanics wing had his own theory on the increased pace. "Umm... guns are made of metal, aren't they? Duh."
- Tom Goldman "Large Hadron Collider Creates Incredibly Tense Episode of Family Matters". The Escapist, May 25, 2011
- Richard Gray "Large Hadron Collider rumoured to have found God's Testicles". The Telegraph, April 24, 2011