UnNews:Landlord Wants To Show Your Apartment
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16 February 2007
SPRINGFIELD -- (LOTW), I am emailing you to notify you that your apartment will be shown to prospective renters this Saturday. (I assume that you plan on vacating the apartment come June 1st since you have not notified me of any intent to extend your lease, as per the contract.) Thank you for cleaning up before the prospective renters arrive.
To be specific, thank you for cleaning your dishes beforehand and letting our guests feel welcome. Thank you for cleaning your sheets. Thank you for not letting your garbage pile up for a number of weeks before deciding to put it on the curb in one large trashpile large enough to cause traffic problems.
And thank you for putting your pornographic magazines out of sight, especially the gay ones. (For the record, Mr. Weinstein was not amused.) Thank you for choosing an appropriate screensaver for your computer screen, one which will be appropriate for a family audience. I am sure Equus has great literary merit, but if our guests want to see Equus on a computer screen in your apartment they shall do so when they have moved in and installed their own computers with their own screensavers.
Thank you for keeping your Indian "cuisine" and its odor out of the apartment for at least a couple of hours. Thank you for not rubbing your face with the money from your latest drug deal. And thank you for putting on some clothes for God's sake! (For your information, that couch is now your responsibility to replace.)
Thank you for not attempting to imitate a squirrel while our guests are here, and thank you for not sniffing their testicles, no matter how witty you may think the act to be. Thank you for not using Britishisms while our guests are here, including, but not limited to, the following: bloody, crikey, "spot of tea", "guv'na".
Please keep in mind that our guests would like the apartment to be well-lit upon their arrival, and that your right to live in the dark (morally as well as literally) is for all intents and purposes non-existent.
Thank you for cooperating, and please call or e-mail if you have any questions.