UnNews:Lance Armstrong not stripped of the 1982 "around the block tricycle race" victory
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Lance Armstrong not stripped of the 1982 "around the block tricycle race" victory
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, July 2, 2016, 06:01:UTC)(
29 October 2012
DALLAS, Texas -- While hundreds of Lance Armstrong fans continued to mourn the cyclist's brutal humiliation at the hands of the USADA, and now the UCI, most of the residents here can take solace in the fact that Mr. Armstrong won his first competitive cycling race in this city, and that the USADA did not strip him of that honor.
Lance Armstrong was one of 26 competitors in the "Around the 'hood" tricycle event held here in 1982. Already a budding triathlete at the time, Lance had entered the race with considerable confidence and the aplomb characteristic of a future
His family cheered wildly when Armstrong completed the five-lap course, which involved racing up to a mailbox, taking a U-turn around it, and racing back to the starting line.
Unlike his later Tour de France victories, his performance in the race didn't come under any sort of scrutiny or controversy. "It reminds me of simpler times," said Jonah, a bike messenger who still stands by Armstrong, "When you were just a kid riding on a bike, and there was no national honor or doping rules and all that bullshit. The future was a glimmering sun on the horizon. Too bad old boy Lance flew too close to it."
His views are echoed by the vast majority of residents in the neighborhood, who believe that Lance has been dealt a much crueler hand than he deserved. Some have even alleged that he's become caught up in a sadistic torture game being played by anti-doping agencies such as the USADA.
"They're starting to enjoy it," said Barney, a truck driver. "I know guys like that in my profession. They spot a prey, chase it down and destroy it in every which way they can. The USADA is run by these psycho-schmucks tryin' to get high off ruining good people's lives. They ain't gonna get away with it for long though. Sooner or later, all of them go to the chair."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|