This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-minute misinformation.
8 December 2012
Austin, TEXAS -- Shamed former champion cyclist Lance Armstrong has announced today that pharmaceutical company Pfizer will endorse him next year. In a statement issued earlier this morning, the company's CEO Albe Stone declared: "We are pleased to announce that we now have Lance on the Buzzwagon. For his whole career, Lance has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that our products are effective... by using them by the truckload. If it worked for him, the right combination of our substances will undoubtedly work for your throbbing head or your racehorse."
This good news for Armstrong's finances comes after he was dropped by former sponsors Foakley, General Shills and Dyke. At one point, it seemed that the former champion was falling faster than Felix Beaumgartner from a Red Bull shuttle. Armstrong then hid deep within the Earth's crust to avoid having to answer embarrassing questions from reporters after the details of his 10 year steroids binge became known. All that has changed thanks to the confidence Pfizer has put in Uniballer (who dug his way out of his burrow faster than a mole in heat).
"Thanks so much to all the wonderful people at Pfizer," the has-never-officially-been declared. "I saw the bills coming faster than I do on EPO, and I am so proud to join those who have made my career possible. I tried to get endorsed by the Mexican cartels since I also used a lot of recreational drugs, but that didn't work. At 40 years of age, I aim to prove that the new synthetic blood developed by the company for cancer patients is effective. In fact, it's why I'm racing against a horse next week."
People who had lost faith in Armstrong and the Livestrong brand came flocking back.
"He is a bit of a cheater, he lied a little and he let everyone who looked up to him down, but he is rich," said a fan holding his son. "I wish my boy looks up to him as a role model, and I'll supply him with all the Pfizer products he needs to achieve his noble goals, be it making it to the NFL or just being as high as a kite," the man concluded with a tear rolling down his cheek.
Armstrong is expected to speak at a public rally next week, stoned as hell on a mixture of Oxycontin, Ativan and cough syrup.