UnNews:Lame-duck House GOP proposes to make gay marriage mandatory
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7 December 2012
Washington, DC -- In a surprise move, House Republicans have introduced a bill that would define marriage as a union between one man and one other man, saying, "We told you this would happen if Obama was re-elected."
"We knew that an Obama re-election would be dangerous to the moral fabric of our nation," said Majority Leader Eric Cantor. "Exactly what we feared would happen is happening now, as the government is attempting to force a homosexual agenda on the American people."
Recent polling has shown that the American public opposes this legislation with 92% against, 0% for, and 8% unsure or didn't have enough information. When asked to reflect on this bill's unpopularity Cantor said, "We hear the people, but unfortunately since the majority of Americans decided to re-elect a president that is so clearly out of touch with American values, there really isn't anything we can do to stop this bill from going forward."
If passed, the bill would go into effect 60 days after the vote, at which point all heterosexual marriages would be declared null, and lose all federal recognition and associated benefits. Bill Britt, a married man from Capon Bridge, West Virginia, said that he was pretty sure that his state didn't allow non-related members of the opposite sex to cohabitate a home, and that his wife Sherly would be forced to move out. "It's sad," said Britt, "But I mean, my name is on the deed. We have a pretty nice Days Inn down the road she can stay at until she figures out what to do."
The bill's sponsor, Rep. Morgan Griffith (R-VA), has long had a reputation for being anti-gay rights, but says that with such a radical in the nation's highest office he feels powerless to defend the country against what he calls 'pervasive moral decay'.
When asked to comment, gay rights advocate and President of the Human Rights Campaign Chad Griffin said, "Fuck it. I'm moving to Canada. For real this time."
In related news, Rep. John Boehner hinted that his party would bring up for debate a bill raising income tax levels to 75%, citing it as unfortunate but inevitable given the fact that the President has turned the United States into a socialist country.