|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
30 October 2007
Hades, California - California wildfires that have left seven dead, destroyed 1,800 homes and forced the evacuation of 640,000 people are yielding to efforts by firefighters, cooler weather, diminished winds and an absence of houses to burn.
"We are delightful to report all the houses in San Diego County are burned to the ground." California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger reported in that strange dialect of his, "This has caused the fires to greatly reduce in intensity. The wind may blow all it wants now, but there's nothing left to burn. Let's give these people air."
Officials have predicted that three major blazes could be brought under control by the first week of November, unless a building boom occurs before then.
"The risk of flareups due to new housing starts cannot be ignored", added Schwarzenegger, "We will closely monitor new economic data and any movement in interest rates. We have a tanker plane on alert to react to any indicators that would encourage new house building."
When asked about what he planned to do now, Governor Schwarzenegger replied that "hence this day we needn't fear forest and wildfires- they can do what they want, but there's nothing left to burn! I'd say we're clearly the victors from this struggle." With that said, the Governor dismissed the news reporters and went back into his pile of soot.
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