UnNews:Labour must have soul, says Brown
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
24 June 2007
PALE ARSE OF WESTMINSTER, Lun Dun, Sunday (UNN) — James Brown has been crowned Labour leader, promising to give the party not just policies but "soul."
Tony Bleah said his longtime chancellor had "all the qualities to mark him out as a master of the funk" when he takes over on Wednesday. "Right on, young persons! 'Gordon' is 'down' with the 'kids'!" said Mr Bleah, throwing "victory" signs and showing off his new Union Jack flares and glitter platform boots.
Mr Brown praised Mr Bleah's virtuoso ten-year ukelele solo and pledged to "rejuice" the party to meet dancers' changing aspirations.
Mr Brown said from now on the party's deputy leader Harriet Potter would also be its femcee, and pledged to give party members more of a say in the setlist, with "one member one move" over its choreography for government. He also announced the appointment of Transport Secretary Dougie Hendrix as general election coordinator, "so that we are ready not just to fight but to win a dancedown at the forthcoming Battle of the Bands."
But he said he was a "conviction politician," recently having been released after his latest traffic offence.
Conservative Party bandleader Dave "Dave" Cameron said: "Goh-don Brown is a sucka MC/ Save yo'se'f an' vote foh me!/ Nevah min' that lack o' po-li-cee" while Boris Johnson, playing the role of "Bez" in the band, chatted up eligible young lay-deez of suitable breeding at the front of the audience.
Campaign for Real Rock leader Sir Minging Campbell called for a general in-suh-rection. "These youngsters just haven't done the hard years of festivals and local councils we have. They have to pay their dues. Their dues!"