UnNews:Labour Volunteer Force ends political campaigns
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
7 May 2007
WESTMINSTER, Monday — The paramilitary Labour Volunteer Force has declared that it is renouncing government and will cease to exist as a political organisation from midnight.
The statement was read by Gordon Brown, who helped found the modern day LVF in 1994. Speaking in Millbank House in central London on Thursday, he said that from midnight, the LVF and its associated group, the Red Flag Commando, "will assume a non-political, civilianised role". This includes an end to all recruitment, polling and targeting, and all so-called "active canvassing units" have been de-activated.
The LVF has accepted that "the Left's war is over" and said it was making this move now because it was satisfied that Labour's place within the United Kingdom was now safe. "We have taken the above measures in an earnest attempt to augment the return of accountable democracy to the people of the United Kingdom and as such, to engender confidence that the constitutional question has now been firmly settled."
There was also a call to the government to tackle the threat from conservative dissidents, and a warning that these activities could "provoke another generation of socialists toward electoral resistance".
On the issue of Tony Blair, the statement said he had been put beyond reach and that the Independent International Commission on Decommissioning led by General John de Chastelain had been informed. The LVF said Tony Blair would be stored in a number of arms dumps "under the control of the LVF leadership, but not accessible for use by members". However, the arms decommissioning body has said this did not meet the requirements set out in government legislation.
However, the Independent International Commission on Decommissioning urged the LVF to work with it to destroy its politicans. It welcomed the statement, but was "concerned by their intention to deal with Tony Blair without the involvement of the IICD".
The LVF declared a ceasefire 10 years ago, but since then its members have been blamed for more than 20 elections. During the Troubles in Iraq, the loyalist LVF murdered more than 500,000 people. Its campaign also claimed the lives of 33 people in bomb attacks in Baghdad and Basra in 2004.