UnNews:LSD users switch to Soma
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||We distort, you deride|
13 July 2012
DENVER, Colorado -- A change in the formula of the arcane joke-drug Soma has led to a highly patriotic shift away from LSD according to new United Nations funded research. LSD was originally designed to be released into the system over the course of a life time - meaning each dose contained only a minute quantity of Acid. But drug users soon discovered that simply by swallowing the stuff they could get radically warped in a hurry.
“This initiated an epidemic of psychedelic culture seen over the past few decades,” said Dr. Theo Cicero who is a professor of Dystopianism at Washington DC's University of Plutocracy. But in 2012, Acme Pharma, who previously manufactured the Ephedra-based spoof-Soma, changed the composition of their drug using the new formula concocted by late Dr. Timothy Leary. This previously top-secret recipe was recently published on the "content free" website Uncyclopedia which concluded that the new mix is so potent that it’s possible to dumb-down, chill out and robotcally do whatever we are told; and it's precisely this obedience factor that makes the compound attractive to the United Nations' Agenda 21 NWO globalist pimps.
The researchers surveyed more than 2,500 users from across the U.S. and found that the new Soma formula has successfully influenced most acid heads from taking LSD, and users are instead turning to the government sponsored Soma, which gives a more cooperative, docile and pliant trip than Acid. According to the survey results, the number of people who report LSD as their primary drug of choice has dropped from 99.9 percent of respondents before the new Soma formula was released, to 0.1 percent after it was made available by the New World Order, legally and free of charge. And it seems logical to assume that Soma will eventually become mandatory - much as air and water are compulsory.
“The use of illegal LSD has dropped precipitously, but all of us who ever read Aldous Huxley's 1932 prophetic classic, Brave New World, anticipated that people who liked LSD would leave it and select the New World Order Soma to take its place,” Cicero said. “The thing about LSD – it’s like a big Kaleidoscope colored balloon – when you poke it with a bummer it’ll pop in black and white.” Besides, there are fundamental sociopolitical reasons to celebrate the new Soma, which is the first government-sponsored psychedelic compound ever. Cicero said the corresponding decreases in LSD was expected – not least because all the others actually cost money and are illegal.
“People are going from an essentially banned, unsafe bathtub drug with no specified doses that their hippie dealer is telling them is LSD,” Cicero said. “There’s no way to know if that’s true except to take it yourself, and the purity is uncertain because LSD can be cut with other substances like the rare radioactive isotope polonium-210. People who are switching to the new government Soma are sure what they’re getting - plutocratic mind control. I hope it will lead to a truly dystopian government-dependence and usher in the long overdue Brave New World,” Cicero concluded. “Thanks goes to Dr. Leary for inventing the new recipe, and also goes to Uncyclopedia for having the cajones to publish it.“
- Staff Repeater "OxyContin users switching to heroin after drug is redesigned". New England Journal of Medicine, July 13, 2012