UnNews:L. Ron Turkmenbashi passes to the next Operating Thetan level
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L. Ron Turkmenbashi passes to the next Operating Thetan level
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, March 25, 2017, 13:48:UTC)(
21 December 2006
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TÜRKMENBAŞY, Turkmenistan, Justiceday — The famed father of our people, Lafäet Rünald Saparmyrat Ataýewiç Nyýazow Türkmenbaşy, has ascended to the next stage of his researches into the Operating Thetan levels of Turkmenetics.
On 21 Neutrality 2006, Turkmens around the world received their last message from Türkmenbaşy. Deputy Prime Minister Kurbanguly Miscavige made the announcement that "Ron" had moved on to his next level of research, a level beyond the imagination and in an exterior state:
|“||Thus, today, L. Ron Turkmenbashi discarded the body he had used in this lifetime for seventy-four years, ten months and eleven days. The body he had used to facilitate his existence in this universe had ceased to be useful and in fact had become an impediment to the work he now must do outside its confines. The being we knew as L. Ron Turkmenbashi still exists. Although you may feel grief, understand that he did not, and does not now. He has simply moved on to his next step. He in fact used this lifetime and body we knew to accomplish what no Turkmen has ever accomplished — he unlocked the mysteries of life and gave us the tools so we could free ourselves and our fellow Turkmen.||”|
Türkmenbaşy, or "Ron" as his devoted followers called him, wrote Turkmenetics, the Modern Science of Cultural Health. This book, a mixture of history and moral guidelines, is intended as the "spiritual guidance of the nation" and the basis of the nation's arts and literature. It bans ballet, opera, long hair, beards, gold teeth and video games.
Türkmenbaşy had once said that "after the first tick of time," one "Arp Cola" had invented music. There was a strong implication that Türkmenbaşy had been Cola. This led to his famous 2005 ban on miming to songs, the initiative known as Dictators For Real Rock.
Our great leader is memorialised by a gold statue on top of the Flag Land Base in Clearwater, Turkmenistan. "I'm personally against seeing my pictures and statues in the streets — but it's what the people want," said Türkmenbaşy. Turkmen TV controllers were worried about how to fill the schedule slot previously occupied by Türkmenbaşy's poetry readings, but were pleased to hear that Türkmenbaşy had, with perfect foresight, commissioned a second series of Torchwood to fill the gap.
Saint "Old" Nick, proprietor of the Hades™ Post-Mortem Leisure Centre chain, was surprised and pleased. "Pinochet and Turkmenbashi in the same week. You'd think it was Christmas."
- Jon Atackbashi "Dropping the Body". Operation Turkmenbake, December 21, 2006
- Sacha Borat-Cohen "All hail the religious greatness of Ron!". Grauniad, December 21, 2006
- Stephen Hawkmenbashi "A Brief History of Turkmen Time". Turkmenpedia, December 21, 2006