UnNews:Kudlow: Everything's okay despite Japan devastation
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Kudlow: Everything's okay despite Japan devastation
Straight talk, from straight faces
Tuesday, December 6, 2016, 16:15:UTC)(
14 March 2011
TOKYO, Japan -- An earthquake measuring 8.9 on the Vanne-Rokker scale hit Japan on Friday. Though the quake caused minimal damage, the subsequent tsunami was catastrophic. Buildings buckled, streets split, and boats blew up. Mountains moved, houses heaved, cats crapped. In fear. Cars compacted, the sky shattered, and God gawked. Also in fear. 10,000 people are believed to be dead from the destruction and the 10-foot wave that followed the earth's massive shrug, a toll that can only rise as more remote areas are contacted.
Worse, the nuclear plant at Onagawa lost electricity and its backup generators failed, stopping the flow of coolant. With the temperature and pressure rising and threatening to both explode and melt through their containment chambers, officials pumped in sea water, trading certain corrosion for the risk of meltdown or explosion. If their gamble fails, however, what follows could equal the destruction of Chernobyl, or even Hiroshima or a CAT scan.
In an upbeat broadcast on the day of the earthquake, Kudlow kept Japan's problem in perspective, saying, "The human toll here looks to be much worse than the economic toll, and we can be grateful for that." Even though the news out of Asia was grim, Kudlow reminded viewers, "The Dow was up 18 on the day and stayed above 12,000 and the price of crude even dipped below $100."
In an interview with the Huffington Post later in the day, Kudlow described how, even if the Japan death toll climbs over the 10,000 estimate, America will "win out" in the end, saying, "I... think that [these]... people's lives are [worth]... significantly less than a... hundred dollars [each]... They don't live in [the United States and so aren't in] the best place to be. We should[n't] worry about them [at all]."
When asked to explain his choice of words during the next broadcast, Kudlow added, "Mark my words, Japan will recover. They're tremendous people, a very resilient people. Those that are left, anyway." Kudlow's fellow anchors remained silent as he went on. "You and me? We're doing fine. Tsunami 2011 might be very bullish for the U.S. economy. Very bullish indeed." He went on to describe the horrors of real tragedies, like the Great Depression, the recent Banking Bust, and the double taxation of dividends (and/or whining about such taxation). "This is nothing like that," he repeated. "That cost us millions of dollars. This time, it's only some ten thousand foreigners."