UnNews:Kroger's sues newcomer Lidl
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Kroger's sues newcomer Lidl
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 21, 2017, 00:58:UTC)(
6 July 2017
CINCINNATI, Ohio -- US retail giant Kroger’s has brought suit against rival Germany-based grocer Lidl. Kroger contends that Lidl’s "Preferred Selection" labeling infringes on Kroger’s copyrighted "Private Selection" labeling. The lawsuit has raised questions about free market competition, the interpretation of copyright laws and whether attorneys have too much time on their hands.
Sophie Anwalt, general counsel for Kroger pointed out, "There’s a 'P' right in front and there’s an 'S' over there. We noticed that right away. President Trump said himself that Germans are bad, very bad, and not in a Michael Jackson sort of way, either".
Speaking from a secret underground bunker located at 1841 E. Pletcher Avenue in northeast Cincinnati, Vice-President Charles Rowst stated that it’s not the lower prices they fear, nor the competition, nor the odor of schnitzel and cooked cabbage wafting through American neighborhoods. "Okay, maybe it’s that, but just a little bit", he conceded.
Kroger’s management has not taken this action lightly. They contacted founder Bernard Kroger by ouija board, and after several hours of quiet discussion, he backed their decision to sue. It is thought to constitute a serious breach of Kroger’s historic rights to crush competition, whether it be mom-and-pop groceries or hippie co-ops. "We will continue to follow in the footsteps of our American predecessors like Hernando de Soto", Rowst continued.
Kroger also charged that Lidl infringed on the use of the terms "meat", "canned goods" and "mini-chainsaws", as well as the flagrant and unapproved use of vowels and consonants in their signage and packaging.
Speaking to a crowd of second-grade children on a field trip to its Muncie superstore, store manager Klaus Eisenkopf stated he felt that Kroger’s must preserve its corporate persona. An investigation had revealed that Lidl stores have walls, a floor, a ceiling, and use shopping carts just as Kroger’s had for decades. Kroger executives find this "unacceptable".
Lidl representative Earle "King Cool" Walker admitted surprise at the lawsuit. "Why did Kroger bring litigation against us in the High Court of the League of Nations? The League of Nations hasn’t existed for over 75 years."
Lidl now threatens to respond harshly and use both of two approved EU sanctions. Mocking lettuce has a long and storied history in central Europe, and Lidl has flown over several specialists for that purpose. Further, Kroger's supermarkets may risk customer losses if Lidl teams perform the holding-two-small-melons-and-making-you-think-they-are-breasts maneuver outside Kroger’s stores.
National Guard units in five states have been activated in response to the crisis. Brig. Gen. Robert Ely of the Ohio National Guard said they are prepared for the worst. "We’re heading for farm country and setting up a perimeter with tanks and K9 units. It’s MREs and fast food for us until this blows over."
- Aric Jenkins "Kroger Sues German Supermarket Chain Lidl Right After It Opened Its First U.S. Stores". Fortune, July 5, 2017