UnNews:Kris Kringle convicted on identity theft charges
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Kris Kringle convicted on identity theft charges
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, March 23, 2017, 02:20:UTC)(
22 December 2006
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“What’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year became a nightmare for these people when they discovered their identities had been stolen, their credit ruined.” Said Federal prosecutor Alan Goldfarb. “He knew these people had equity. He victimized them in good faith. He knew if their credit was bad or good, he robbed them blind for goodness’ sake!”
Kringle, who’s belly started shaking like bowlful of jelly when the verdict was announced, protested his innocence. “I blame this on Dasher!” shouted the not-so-jolly old elf."On, Dancer! On, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! on Cupid! On, Donder and Blitzen! They've all hated me ever since I made Rudolph the team leader and they set me up!”
Said Prosecutor Goldfarb, “I think the temptation was too much for him to resist. He made a list, he checked it twice and then he committed twelve counts of identity theft in the third degree and four counts of trafficking in personal identifying information, all class D felonies.”
However, Santa had the last word. “I will appeal and I will not rest until I clear my good name. And another thing: Those prosecutors are on the top of my naughty list, that’s for darn sure.”