UnNews:Knut sends message to all other cute bears: SCREW OFF!
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Knut sends message to all other cute bears: SCREW OFF!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, August 29, 2015, 17:42:UTC)(
25 May 2007
Berlin, Nazi Germany -- Headlines in today's papers in Berlin read "Panda Dies of unknown Causes. Knut Is NOT the cause!" Thats right, this beautifully annoying polar bear, who has released several YouTube videos, today murdered fellow competition in Berlin Zoo. The 22-year-old Panda that Knut killed today, named Yan Yan was just minding his own business when the demonic baby polar bear jumped his exhibits fence into the Giant Panda exhibit, and brutally beat the panda with his own climbing rock. You don't see videos of THIS on YouTube do you?
The Zoo officials state that "It was time for this panda to go anyway. It was too old for any one to really care about, and Knut put it out of its misery. Three Cheers for Knut!" The crowd proceeded to give Knut three cheers, then go back to cooing at him. Of course this response is not taken lightly by the other Panda in the exhibit, Bao Bao, the 29-year-old panda in the same exhibit. She fears that she may be next if no one quells the demonic Polar Bear, that is Knut.
These two Pandas, both the deceased Yan Yan, and the next victim, Bao Bao, are both on loan from the Chinese Zoo, located somewhere in china. It is still unknown what military action China will take on Germany for the loss of these two Pandas (assuming that Bao Bao gets killed, which she will.) United States President, George Dubya Bush is scheduled to meet with German leaders to negotiate trade for war weapons, for the looming war that will become, when Knut, the beloved Polar bear kill again.
- Knut News! "Knut brutally murders Panda, Yan Yan in Berlin Zoo.". CNN, May 25, 2007