UnNews:Kittens featured in local household
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Kittens featured in local household
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 28, 2016, 12:26:UTC)(
22 April 2008
Down the block Paying no heed to the world's known shortage of litterboxes and moist cat food, kittens appeared like tribbles and scampered about underfoot, playfully knocking all items of value off of local shelves, mewing hypnotically to send out sedating waves of cuteness, their natural defense.
Following the trail of destruction to it's source, we encountered the local eccentric cat lady. Passed out from a combination of alcohol and an overdose of cute vibes, she was soon revived to explain her penchant for allowing these creatures to host their intergalactic conferences in her living room.
"The cute nature of kittens is medicinal, can help senior citizens overcome their fear of being eaten by a grue and it is a little known fact that extremely cute kittens, in a pinch, can used to prevent planetary destruction by stray planetoids." To demonstrate, she held a single kitten aloft and indeed, that incoming stray planetoid we've all been so worried about changed it's course.
Upon hearing the news about the high output of charm quarks the emanate from kittens, a potential new way of saving everybody's ass, local engineers are now working around the clock on getting that damn clock working again. Possible courses of action include going back to tickling kittens, dispatching a kitten for another AA battery, or using a stack of kittens as the cutest damn sundial there ever was.