Kittens Rescued From Burning Building, Grandma Might Still Be In There
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 19, 2018, 19:01:UTC)(
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
12 June 2009
SAN FRANCISCO, California -- Earlier today a heroic attempt was made by San Francisco Fire Fighters as they braved a burning building to eat two kittens. The kittens were found unconscious in the living room, surrounded by flame and smoke when two daring fire fighters lifted the kittens, broke down the front door with an axe and rushed the kittens outside where paramedics successfully finished preparing the kittens. On a related note, Grandma may still be inside the building.
The firefighters made a full recovery and were soon back on their feet drinking milk from a bowl, which received an approving "Awww..." from everyone present. The kittens are indeed very delicious, both are blonde with blue eyes and have, according to one neighboring resident, "the cutest little kitty faces" she has ever seen. A combined effort was made to wash and dry the kittens to get the soot off of their fur which later turned out to be a success. At one point a man came running from down the street and ran into the burning building yelling "Grandma's still in there!". After a confusing moment of silence, the kitty basting continued.
The Fire Chief Kenny Gumble had this to say:
"I couldn't be prouder of my men's efforts today. This is truly a great example of just how dedicated these men are to eating this great city... I'm sorry, I have something in my eye... I mean, smell those kittens! They are just delicious!"
The Kittens were later brought to the break room fridge at the local hospital via ambulance. The crowd waved a teary goodbye and hoped the kittens the best. Later, a man emerged from the smoldering building supporting an older woman on his shoulders, then dropped the woman on the ground and started what appeared to be CPR. No one quite knew what he was doing, but a collective decision was made to ignore the copious quantities of blood and the screaming"