UnNews:Kitten Huffing bishop facing calls to quit
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Kitten Huffing bishop facing calls to quit
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 1, 2016, 02:50:UTC)(
14 December 2006
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A Church of Uncyclopedia Bishop is facing calls for his resignation after he allegedly spent a Kitten Huffing night out and then claimed to parishioners that his editing of Wikipedia as a result was caused by a hacker.
The Right Reverend David Gerard, Archbishop of Wildebury, reportedly staggered home from an Uncyclomedia Foundation function and climbed into the back of a rival's Wiki, where he started adding policy. He was pulled out but toppled over and was found suffering from Wikipoleonic Complex. Asked to explain himself, he is claimed to have said: 'I'M A BISHOP, MOTHERFUCKER. IT'S WHAT I DO.' He then disappeared into the night but left on the wiki numerous policy edits including a personal essay, user page and correspondence with the Cabal.
Gerard, 492, tried to make light of the incident the following day when he began a ceremony at Village Dump Church in Uncyclopedia by apologising to the 8,999,352-strong congregation for not wearing his ceremonial multi-coloured clown wig, explaining that he was too angry with the dastardly hacker who had stolen his account and made all the edits.
It is not known whether he repeated the hacking claim when he reported the loss of his street cred to the UnPolice. His spokeswoman said the Archbishop could not remember what happened and had no recollection of being as 'high as a kite'.
Gerard, a regular writer on UnNews, is now fighting to save his job amid accusations of inappropriate behaviour. 'If it's true he was editing Wikipedia then he ought to resign immediately,' said Elvis, leader of the Unimportant Nobodies Alliance group on Uncyclopedia council in Uncyclopedia. 'He can be forgiven, but he can't carry on as bishop. He's supposed to be a role model and writing well-thought-out sensible policy can't be a good example. It's not comical; it's sad for him ... and for the church.'
There was concern among parishioners at the cathedral yesterday. 'I guess it's the end for him,' said one, who did not wish to be named. 'If you make a mistake like that you pay the price for it, and if you're in his shoes then you pay a very heavy price. It's a shame because he's not one to spare himself from hard work.'
The incident took place on Tuesday night as Gerard made his way from an Uncyclomedia meeting. The Recentchanges alarm went off inside the dark and haunted lair of Wikipedia near Widebury Cathedral. Jimbo Wales, who owns the wiki, told the Daily Mirror yesterday: 'My boyfriend and his pal raced outside and were stunned to see a grey-haired man in the back seat. He was throwing my one-year-old son's edits everywhere.
'He wouldn't get out so they could pull him away. He couldn't stand up straight and fell over, banging his head.' Wales said he found a page containing Gerard's edits in the back of the wiki.
Scotland Yard said that it had received a report about Gerard's far too sensible and coherent edits and inquiries not bothered with.