UnNews:KitKat to roll out on Miliband

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KitKat to roll out on Miliband

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Saturday, March 17, 2018, 12:05:59 (UTC)

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18 May 2014


Android 4.4 with its enhanced Google Now functionality, will allow Ed Miliband to tell you where you have parked your car.

WESTMINSTER, London -- With the European elections fast approaching, Labour supporters — waking up with hangovers brought on by disappointing opinion polls — may finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Leader Ed Miliband will finally, and many say belatedly, receive the Android 4.4 upgrade known as KitKat.

Even if the new features provided are merely superficial and cosmetic, the importance of upgrading should not be underestimated. Miliband's stilted oration has long been a criticism whispered among his supposed allies within the long Westminster halls and cupboards. Android 4.4, with its more natural inflections, should help Miliband gain ground against the buttery smugness of Cameron, the assured panic of Clegg and the crack-smoking mass-populism of Farage.

Perhaps even more important than aesthetics is the improved multi-tasking KitKat brings. Party supporters hope these subtle enhancements let Miliband synchronise his hand movements with the points he is making in speeches. Previous latency issues have caused Miliband policy announcements to resemble a man simultaneously having a stroke whilst seeking to identify if a person on the other side of a car park is trying to break into their car.

The stability of the new Android version has been greatly improved. A Miliband flashed with the latest version of the mobile platform should see fewer freezes and dazed looks into the middle-distance. Several times in the last couple of years, an Ice Cream Sandwich running Miliband has crashed, reduced to continually repeating the phrases: "Up and down the country" and "hard-working families."

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