UnNews:Kissinger Suffers Heart Ailment
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Kissinger Suffers Heart Ailment
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 24, 2015, 12:18 (UTC)
29 July 2007
UnNews, Sunday 29 July 2007Henry Kissinger, the former Secretary of State, foreigner, and despised diplomat credited with starting the ongoing Middle East crisis, learned of his own heart attack from a discarded copy of The Guardian which he surreptitiously appropriated from a men's room on Fifth Avenue, New York. After a short consultation with his lawyers, who assured him that there was "no possibility" of claiming damages on the basis of the article, Kissinger checked himself into the Bethesda Naval Hospital for triple bypass surgery. A spokesperson for the hospital said (on condition of anonymity): " Triple bypass surgery is one of our more popular lines this summer. For the hospital, it is more profitable due to the high mortality rate, and the surviving patients seem to enjoy showing off their impressive scars".
The Secret Service, the CIA, and the FBI are locked in an unprecedented meeting after they received a videotape from Al Jazeera claiming that the headline contained one of The Guardian's famous typographical errors, and should have read Kiss singer suffers heart ailment. Credence is given to this theory due to the fact that there is alliteration present, a cardinal requirement for all Guardian headlines.