UnNews:Kirk Cameron warns, "1980s death purge is not over, Rick Moranis"

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7 June 2010

Kirk Cameron
WARNING: This column is written for, and addressed to, 1980s entertainers only. People of other decades are still oblivious to the impending doom expressed herein. This article does not affect: hippies; Britney Spears; jazz musicians, except for maybe Herbie Hancock; Ward Cleaver; Ozzie Nelsons; Hanson; grunge bands; Quentin Tarantino; boy bands, except for New Kids on the Block... If you're not from predominantly-1980s entertainment, you're safe.

(Editorial distorted, re-worded, parodied, and reprinted here without the express written permission of Mr. Cameron. However, we did obtain permission from James Cameron, who didn't seem to give a shit.)
Smbmovie poster

The cause of Dennis Hopper's death?

HELLO GOOD PEOPLE. It's Kirk Cameron again. Yes, the Kirk Cameron who played on the 1985-1992 Family Ties ripoff, Growing Pains. But what many of you may or may not know is that I'm not just a has-been former teen idol from the Reagan years, I'm also a noted Christian, as is my beautiful wife, Chelsea Noble.

Since I have a whole lot of time on my hands (and since nobody will finance my next Left Behind film, to be shot in IMAX 3D)... I must give my fellow 1980s cohorts a grave warning.

Way back in August, I wrote a column urging you all to take shelter. Last year saw the deaths of everybody from Michael Jackson to Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, and Golden Girls Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty, to the Halloween franchise. This year, we have lost yet another Golden Girl, Rue McClanahan, at the age of 76. But that's not all! We lotst one of the Lost Boys, Corey Haim to a heart attack and pneumonia. The greatest heavy metal vocalist ever to belt a note, Ronnie James Dio, sadly went to be with the Lord at the age of 67. The Diff'rent Strokes cast has been shortened due to the untimely death of the short guy, Gary Coleman, at age 42. And our very own Growing Pains co-star Andrew "Boner" Koenig left us back in February. And guess what Miley Cyrus did to the Corey Hart classic, "Sunglasses at Night."

Rick Moranis

Cameron: "I'm watching Rick Moranis, and not because Spaceballs in on AMC right now."

But God is not finished purging the '80s from this beautiful Earth. If you value your dear life and want to evade the 1980s Death Purge of 2010, it is time to take shelter, Michael Gross. And Christopher Cross, Urkel, Phil Collins, Men Without Hats, A Flock of Seagulls, Depeche Mode, Bruce Campbell, Kevin Nealon, Bill Murray, Bruce Willis, Human League, Motley Crue, Scott Baio, the entire cast the the Goonies, the entire cast of The Outsiders, Ralph Macchio, David Lee Roth, Rockwell, mustache extraordinaire Tom Atkins, Michael Damian, Rick Springfield, Eddie Murphy, Judge Reinhold, Mel Gibson, Danny Glover, the entire cast of Top Gun, and let's see, who else? Bruce Springsteen? The Buggles? Paul Shaffer? Charlie Dore? Gary Numan? Steve Winwood? Peter Gabriel and Phil Collins. Michael Keaton. The twins from The Shining. Delbert McClinton? William Katt? Soft Cell and Thomas Dolby. Frank Stallone and Kajagoogoo. Harold "Axel F" Faltermeyer. Jan Hammer and Don Johnson. Phil Collins. And who could forget Billy Vera, whose song "At This Moment" was played in that Family Ties episode in 1987.

There are way too many of you to name, so please... you know who you are, so please take shelter... Michael Keaton. Please heed my warning. I'm keeping my eye on Michael Gross and Rick Moranis.

But beware, a 1990s purge is also on the calendar. I'm warning you — Blossom, Joey Lawrence, Tom Arnold, Pauly Shore, Eddie Vedder, Zakk Wylde, Rico Suave, Right Said Fred, Los Del Rio, MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice, Michael Jordan, Macaulay Culkin, Dave Grohl, Steve Guttenberg, John Cusack, Chevy Chase, Tony Danza, Bronson Pinchot, John Goodman, Mark-Linn Baker. What the hell's the name of the guy who played Carl Winslow? Reginald something? Uncle Phil, who is also the Shredder. Jesus, who am I missing here? The 2001 wiping out of every classic Nickelodeon show was no accident; same with Cartoon Network. Whatever happened to Jules Asner and Steve Kmetko? And I think the recent death of Dennis Hopper may have had something to do with Super Mario Bros. I don't believe it was the cancer.

I'm not exactly sure how the '90s death purge will affect Saban's recent re-acquisition of Power Rangers, but both purges will likely silence Transformers 3 as well as the following franchises:

And all the other '80s and '90s franchises you grew up with.

There's still a bit of debate as to whether James Cameron will be affected at all, as he seems to transcend decades. I guess I'll put him down as a wildcard for now. Ditto Oprah, Rosie O'Donnell, Mr. T, Jerry Springer, South Park, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Green Day.

We can no longer live in denial. We've had a lot of shit happen lately — No more presidents named George Bush. No more C-list has-beens on VH1, Celebrity Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?, and Celebrity Apprentice. No more needless sequels or remakes of gems such as Clash of the Titans, Tron, Wall Street, Goonies, Jaws, etc. It's time to stop, to quote Jethro Tull, "living in the past." Throw away your Atari, NES, Super Nintendo, and Sega Genesis. Get with the fucking times. Trade in your 4:3 aspect ratio TV for a 16:9 HDTV, or hold out for 2.35:1 TVs in the next two years or so. Get rid of your vinyl records and CDs and get your ass an iPod. You want to seek shelter? Fly down to Florida, you'll be safe there. No wait, nevermind. Forget I said that... Rue McClanahan. Get out of Miami, Betty White, you'll be hot enough in Cleveland.

So be warned, '80s and '90s entertainers. Your Judgment Day will come soon. But don't take my word for it; I'm just a washed-up teen idol who sold out his beliefs and ruined a perfectly good sitcom.

This is Kirk Cameron, signing off. Good night, God bless, and go retro if you dare.

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