UnNews:King Sean I of Scotland enthroned
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King Sean I of Scotland enthroned
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 29, 2015, 02:39:UTC)(
26 November 2013
EDINBURGH, Scotland -- It was a scene many thought they would never see. Scotland was once again a FREE NATION. Crowds of red faced Scotsmen and tattooed Scotswomen lined the Royal Mile as they cheered Scotland's restored, independent monarchy. There was dancing and drinking on the street as a token Englishman was tied to a lamp post and forced to listen to Mel Gibson's speech from Braveheart on a continuous loop.
Then a beery silence fell as a man appeared walking down the middle of street to the theme music of James Bond. His hair long gone, his once lithe figure, that had caused the hearts of millions to swoon, now less robust, but the fierce eyes and booming voice were the same. It was Sean Connery, returning from exile in Spain and the Bahamas, reclaiming his own. Connery dismounted from the ceremonial milk cart and broke a crate of gold top bottles as he approached the dias by the Scott Monument. In the shadow of Edinburgh Castle, Connery approached a throne constructed from the bones of Margaret Thatcher (the Wicked Bitch of the South to Scots) and placed his hand on a crushed spider in memory of Robert the Bruce.
Waiting to greet Connery was the 'Stomach of the Scots', Alex Salmond. It was he who had defeated the silver haired traitor Alistair Darling and his English allies at Ballotburn in 2014. Now in Salmond's fleshy hands was the new crown of Scotland. Standing next to the throne, was a prisoner from Ballotburn, Sir Michael Caine. Still wearing his bloody red English tunic, Caine was obliged to help Connery to the throne that had been prepared him as the new Scots monarch had 'been out on the drink' earlier.
Finally after what seemed half an hour, Connery stood up to deliver his speech. First in English, then in Scots and finally in Shawnish.
- Scootlund, land o' th' brave 'n' na trews - wull tak' tis steid in th' aw the gether nations, European Union, Olympic Games 'n' Eurovision. Scots awake! git oot o' kip!! vote tae mak' Sean Connery yuir king 'n' master.'
- Scotland, Land of the Brave and No Trousers - will take its place in the United Nations, European Union, Olympic Games and Eurovision. Scots awake! Get out of bed!! Vote to make Sean Connery your King and master.
- Ssschhotland For'ver.
As the crown was placed on his head, Connery - or as he was now, King Sean I - made this prediction in Scots, English and Shawnish:-
- A'body wha votes fur th' union doesn't hawp in thus land's fate! Scots, mind oor victories at bannockburn 1314 'n' wembley 1967 'n' Ballotburn- us all on Yiutube. Mind oor cultural exports fae th' haggis, Rod Stewart 'n' Bigyin. Scootlund gang free!!
- Anyone who votes for the Union doesn't believe in this country's destiny! Scots, remember our victories at Bannockburn 1314, Wembley 1967 - see it on YouTube - and Ballotburn. Remember, ur cultural exports from the Haggis, Rod Stewart and Billy Connolly. Scotland Go Free!!"
- The name's Shaaawwwwn. Shawn Connery.
The ceremony finished with empty bottles cascading into a huge skip and free hangover cures to help people to be back to work the next day.
- Staff "Scottish First Minister unveils SNP's campaign for an independent Scotland". BBC, November 26, 2013