UnNews:King Rupert orders the execution of Admiral Screws
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King Rupert orders the execution of Admiral Screws
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, November 26, 2015, 09:11:UTC)(
8 July 2011
London, Great Britain --
Australian American monarch King Rupert I of the Antipathies ordered the execution of one of his less physically attractive admirals for 'running scared of liberals' after a long-standing naval engagement ended in defeat.
The stubbornly loyal Admiral Andrew Screws was led out onto the poop deck of his flagship News of the World and shot by his own marines in a very brief drama. When asked if he had any last words to say, Admiral Screws asked to be buried with his toy bunny, Pinky. However, before he finished his speech, the impatient soldiers fired their muskets and it was all over. The rest of the crew were then made to walk the plank and the News of the World was scuttled in full view of the fleet to 'encourage everyone to forget about what they had seen'.
Screws' downfall started when he was told to lead a squadron of vessels to take on a fleet of bleeding heart liberals headed by The Guardian, New York Times and some miscellaneous one-man junks off the Cape of Bent Copper. Despite the superior fire power of Screws' fleet including The Sun, The Times and Wall Street Journal, the admiral's flagship came under heavy fire and is believed to have been holed below the waterline. When some of the senior crew of the News of the World saw what was happening they rushed with their camera crews to the starboard side of their ships, causing them to dip their gunwales and take on water. Dispatches from eye witnesses indicate the gun ports had been left open, clearly in hope of returning enemy fire, and all the ships of the fleet began to take on water. Afraid that his ship was about to be scuttled, Admiral Screws led his battle-torn fleet away, burning surplus timber, tar and deck planking to mask the retreat with a thick cloud of smoke.
When King Rupert heard the news (after briefly cutting out the tongue of his manservant FoxNews) , he ordered his son Prince James the Hacker to take command of the fleet and to 'light fires under the right arses' to get a full picture of what had happened. James then recommended the execution of Screws and the scuttling of the News of the World to move the 'battle plan' onwards and allow his family to complete their brave annexation of the Sky- this being part of a long-term plan of King Rupert and his family to own all the natural elements of the world.
Before the News of the World was scuttled, Prince James insisted the ship's figurehead Rebekah be removed, ceremonially burnt, then cast into the sea. The vividly carved image, a bare-breasted Amazon with her red hair proudly flying, was at first saved from a watery grave on the instructions of King Rupert. It is said the old monarch had 'warm feelings' for Rebekah, despite recent warnings that she was 'riddled with sea worm' and in 'danger of complete disintegration' and decided to mount her over his palace dining table. She was in fact summarily executed and stuffed a day later, although the warmhearted King allowed her to pretend to resign.
- Staff "Murdoch will do anything to protect his American assets.". The Guardian, July 08, 2011