UnNews:King Edward blasts U.S. over dynamitic tests
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
25 May 2009
LONDON, UK -- His Majesty King Edward VII blasted the rogue nation known as the “U.S.A.” today for its new aeronautic tests at Kitty Hawk, saying the world must “stand up” to Washington, D.C. and demand that they renounce their “aeronautic/dynamitic ambitions”.
In Trafalgar Square, King Edward said that these continued tests threaten the peace and stability of the Empires of the world, and such forays into aeronautic and dynamitic capabilities must be halted. He strongly condemned this “reckless action”.
Austro-Hungarian Empire, Imperial Russia agree
Standing in front of reporters, the King of the British Empire noted that other empires, including Austro-Hungary, Russia and Germany all agree. Washington, D.C.’s stance “flies in the face of world opinion, and further isolates this already rogue state.” The King refers to America’s supposed liberating of the Philippines, Cuba, Guam and Puerto Rico, in what was actually a land grab from the Empire of Spain. Those who thought they were being freed really found themselves under American dominance and rule, though it is acknowledged that Washington, D.C. did pay the $20,000,000 in reparations that the Spanish Empire requested.
King Edward VII concluded, “Great Britain and her Empire shall not waiver from our determination to protect our peoples and the peace and security of the world’s empires.”
In Washington, D.C., President Roosevelt said that they had carried out a powerful dynamitic test, involving far more sticks of dynamite then heretofore had been bundled together. The regime also admitted that their tests at Kitty Hawk were designed to facilitate their plans for a “Heavier then Air” delivery system for their Weapons of Mass Destruction, as the selling of Dirigibles to this rogue state has long been prohibited. Roosevelt, while styling himself as a 'president', is known to be an aggressively expansionist military dictator, seizing large tracts of land for his government, and personally aiding in the conquering of several island nations around the world.
Looking at available options
Various world leaders, principally Emperor Franz Josef, Kaiser Wilhelm and Emperor Nicholas II have discussed a variety of sanctions and embargoes but admit that there would be little effect. They have noted that this repressive regime has already seized large areas of land rich in natural resources, and in spite of it’s assertions that it freed it’s pool of slaves, is believed to still keep them in a state of second class servitude.
“Frankly, they have all they need without us, and so long as their people don’t mind the crushing poverty imposed by their leaders, they can continue in their aggression.”, said Emperor Nicholas II, referring to the fact that less than ten percent of the U.S.A. has electricity or indoor plumbing. “Look at the labor unrest, the strikes, the riots…clearly Roosevelt’s experiments in Terror Weapons are to distract his people from his own systematic looting of the nation for his fat cat business friends.”
Engaged in intensive diplomacy
His Majesty King Edward VII has reported that Prime Minister Arthur Balfour is engaged in top level consultations with the world powers. He believes it is important that however things are handled, that it’s important that the empires maintain a united front. He spoke to his opposites in Germany and Russia, and will be speaking with the Emperors of Austro-Hungary and Imperialist Japan next week.
Meanwhile, Modern Major General Stanley has suggested that this test is little to fear. “Clearly they have failed several times, and I hardly think that a flight lasting less than a minute is of concern. I can have a dirigible give their New York a ‘dynamitic experiment’ within days if they like!”
He also notes that if the U.S.A. is trying to position itself as some kind of arms dealer for other rogue democracies, that their record of failures so far will not likely attract many buyers of their primitive technology. “Less than a minute? Now who would try that so-called ‘aeronautic plane’ over the proven performance of dirigibles?”
A grave threat to the British Empire
But his Majesty’s Admiral Sir Joseph Porter of HMS Pinafore disagrees. “This destabilizes an already volatile region, and casts uncertainty into the state of future British hegemony.” He notes that it was little more than 100 years ago that this band of extremists, outlaws and the destitute started their nation. “One should not overlook their pride, it may well propel them to places that we’d not want them to go. Conceivably, we could see the fall of our own world wide Empire.” This last statement was met with derision, though a source inside Buckingham Palace promised that threat assessments would continue to be made and all needful actions taken.