UnNews:Kim Jong Il's suspected Duke Nukem deathmatch was actually in Quake
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Kim Jong Il's suspected Duke Nukem deathmatch was actually in Quake
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 5, 2016, 20:16:UTC)(
11 October 2006
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PYONGYANG, North Korea -- World leaders breathed a sigh of relief late today as scientists confirmed a suspected Duke Nukem 3D online deathmatch played by Kim Jong Il was actually just a game of Quake III. Gamers worldwide feared the reclusive dictator finally got his hands on the dangerous 1997 game. Earlier in the week North Korea claimed to have tested the first version of Duke Nukem, drawing condemnation from software developers worldwide.
Tuesday night's alarm started at 7:58 pm Eastern Time, when South Korea's firewalls detected an intrusion from an IP address known to be used by Kim Jong Il. Preliminary data indicated the Dear Leader had logged onto a Duke Nukem 3D server, prompting Japan to call an emergency cabinet meeting. American gamers were initially unable to confirm the report, noting their firewalls on the DN3D servers haven't picked up anything from the Korea region.
Within hours though, analysis of packet traffic revealed that Kim Jong Il had indeed logged onto a game server, but it was just for Quake III, not Duke Nukem 3D. Although western powers say Quake is still undesirable for North Korea to possess, it's far more conventional than the dreaded Duke Nukem. "DN3D is a game of mass mayhem and destruction, where you can destroy many objects in your environment with powerful weapons - it's not something we want totalitarian regimes to acquire," sternly commented UN Secretary General Kofi Annan.
Upon further investigation, the USGS (United States Gaming Service) was able to determine that Kim Jong Il was logged onto the "Honshu" server in Japan, and managed to get only 5 frags before logging off. "What a noob," scoffed fellow gamer and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, "I can get like 50 frags in one hour, and next time I play, I'll totally wipe Kim Jong Il, as well as that pest Israel, off the map." Mr. Il himself didn't comment at all yet on his Quake III match, but he said of Monday's Duke Nukem game, "I totally pWned you America. wOOt!"
Experts say that while North Korea's latest gaming attempts are troubling, the country is still far from achieving success on an international scale. "They've been working hard on getting Duke Nukem Forever, but they don't have the necessary resources," commented game design professional George Broussard, "after all, even here in America it's taken us 10 years to develop that game, and it's still not yet perfected." Meanwhile, the beleaguered Bush administration is trying to shift blame for the recent woes with North Korea onto the previous administration. "If you recall back in the year 2000," noted White House press secretary Tony Snow, "Clinton sent Madeleine Albright to take part in a LAN party in Pyongyang. And we all know how that turned out. Girls can't play videogames!"