UnNews:Kim Jong-il covertly assassinated by the United States government, Assad may be next
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Kim Jong-il covertly assassinated by the United States government, Assad may be next
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, February 6, 2016, 09:48:UTC)(
21 December 2011
Pyongyang, Korea - The CIA, under direct orders from US President and Nobel Peace Prize recipient Barack Obama, has covertly executed North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il by way of poison. The totalitarian leader of North Korea was slowly poisoned over the course of the last few weeks by his maid who was on the CIA payroll until he finally keeled over during a train ride on Saturday. Obama personally flew to Pyongyang in Air Force One and picked up the maid after North Korean authorities attempted to question her about Kim's death. The poison used on the vertically-challenged leader was not released to the public but sources close to the President have indicated that it was arsenic.
Kim's son and successor, Kim Jong-un, fearing for his safety, immediately disbanded the North Korean government and unified the Korean peninsula. North Korea and South Korea will now simply be referred to as Korea. South Korean president Lee Myung-bak has immediately been granted control of the entire peninsula but Kim Jong-un indicated that he intends on running for president in the next Korean general election. Human rights groups and international aid organizations welcome the reunification of Korea, comparing it to the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989. As a result of the reunification of North and South Korea, many other divided nations are considering reunifying, including North and South Carolina, North and South Dakota, and East and West Virginia.
Kim Jong-il is not the only dictator taken out by Barack Obama. In October, Obama piloted a jet that bombed Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi's convoy. This bombing stopped the convoy and killed several of Gaddafi's bodyguards, allowing the Libyan rebels to attack, sodomize, and kill the 69-year-old despot. In May, Obama travelled to Pakistan with US Special Forces and personally shot Osama bin Laden three times in the face. Obama is also alleged to have had a hand in the fall of Tunisia's dictatorship in January.
Despots and tyrants worldwide have been dropping like flies since Obama took office. Even before Obama became President he was capturing and killing dictators. In 2003, then Senator Obama was embedded with the 1st Brigade Combat Team of the 4th Infantry Division when Saddam Hussein was captured in a spider hole. It is alleged that Obama himself suggested checking the hole after Saddam failed to show up at two other of his known locations.
The recent killings of bin Laden, Gaddafi, and now Kim Jong-il have energized the President's Democratic base and his tough-on-terror stance has even won over some Republican support. Former opponent and Republican senator John McCain congratulated Obama on the slaughter of Kim and said that he has done the world a great service. Obama graciously accepted McCain's kind words and responded to the American people and the world that he "will not rest until every dictator, terrorist, and criminal is put in the ground". As a result of Obama's address to the nation, the Board of Directors of Goldman Sachs was said to be highly concerned.
It is not known who will be Obama's next target but White House sources indicate that Syrian President Bashar al-Assad may be on the chopping block. While not directly addressing Assad, Obama told UnNews reporters that "anyone who massacres their own people can count on their days being numbered. In a short while you will soon face my wrath and fury". Other world leaders thought to be in grave danger include Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe, Chinese dictator Hu Jintao, and the entire Saudi Royal Family.
As a result of these killings Obama's popularity both at home and abroad has skyrocketed. Pundits and political analysts believe that Obama will easily defeat hand-picked Republican candidate Mitt Romney in next year's Presidential Election. Support for Obama is at an all time high but many Republicans are criticizing the killings as simple political posturing in an attempt to get reelected. Former presidential candidate Newt Gingrich told UnNews that "Obama doesn't care about protecting America or defeating terrorists. He's only doing this so he can get in again. If he had his way, instead of killing these guys, he would have them over to the White House for tea and crumpets. Obama is a pinko-sissy leftist whose only doing this for political points". Obama challenged Gingrich's statement, saying he's killed more terrorists then both the two Bush regimes and the Reagan administration combined. Obama did concede that the total death toll of those regimes did exceed his but only because 97% of the casualties were those of innocent civilians. Obama further called out Gingrich because of his lack of service in the military and his draft dodging during the Vietnam War.
Enraged, Gingrich responded with a stream of expletives, including the dreaded N-word. Obama reacted by calling Gingrich a pussy and challenged him to a no holds barred mixed martial arts match. Referee Herb Dean has already agreed to officiate, commenting that he hopes the "racist fuck gets his ass kicked". UFC President Dana White has already started promoting the event and Obama and Gingrich are set to fight in Las Vegas on New Year's Day. Obama is allegedly being trained by light heavyweight champ Jon "Bones" Jones while Gingrich is being trained by former heavyweight champion Brock Lesnar who also happens to be a Republican. If Obama manages to win, it will likely cement his presidential campaign. Most Americans equate athletic ability with political competence.
When Obama is not training for his MMA fight, he is still trying to rid the world of terrorists. Now that Kim Jong-il is gone, the rest of the world's terrorists and dictators have been put on high alert, Obama warns them to change their ways or President Obama "is coming for you".