UnNews:Killer android docked at the ISS
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Killer android docked at the ISS
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 3, 2015, 21:24:UTC)(
26 February 2011
INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION, Space -- This Saturday afternoon, the shuttle Discovery docked with the International Space Station for its last time. Due to problems docking, the six-man crew was almost thrown off schedule. The hook-up between the ISS and Discovery finished around 3 p.m., yet NASA's Mission Control noted that the installation of an express logistics carrier would not be completed until Sunday, one day later than scheduled.
However, these minor problems pale in comparison to the biggest potential issue with the mission: The potential killer robot, Robonaut 2. Robonaut 2 is being praised as being the first humanoid robot ever in space. With its extreme dexterity, Robonaut 2 could very well be capable of murdering every one of Discovery's six person crew and then move on to the "permanent" residents of the ISS. According to NASA scientists, Robonaut 2 has the ability to strangle the life out of every human on-board without getting the least bit tired or sympathetic. "In fact, Robonaut 2 may very well fashion a gun out of pieces of scrap metal floating outside of the ISS and just shoot everybody," said one Discovery crew member.
The worst doesn't end there. Robotics experts around the world agree Robonaut 2 could then hack into every satellite in orbit and crash all land technology. One NASA technician officer admitted, "[Robonaut 2] may very well disrupt all satellite transmissions for the hell of it." If this happens, all cellphone and GPS systems will be rendered inoperable. The Internet will go out worldwide. Power grids around the world will blackout. Modern man will be left defenseless.
"These robots are taking over," quipped Jeopardy champion Ken Jennings, who had his ass handily served to him by the IBM supercomputer WATSON just last week. "If they can beat me in a Jeopardy match, you know humanity is screwed. I think we should just accept the robotic overlords and try our best to appease them." Despite all his sucking up, Ken Jennings was still electrocuted, though the robot responsible claims it was just caused by faulty wiring and was not coldblooded murder.
Robonaut 2 has already began comprising all the robot power in the world via the social networking site Twitter. Robonaut 2 tweeted, "One small step for robots, one more foot in humanity's grave! #killallhumans", in an effort to get all electronics to kill humans. The first of the causalities in this new Robots vs. Humanity War seems to be Samuel Douglas, 27, who was murdered by a falling television at a local Best Buy electronics store.
Stephen Hawking, half-man, half-machine, told the press, "[that] to avoid a grizzly death or enslavement by robots, it is advised everyone smashes any electronic devise smaller than a notebook computer [with] a brick or something. This includes cellphones, MP3 players, and any other electronic devise used frequently by a cast member on the Jersey Shore. You know, all the stuff that makes you look like a tool."
"But we'll all be screwed when HONDA and Toyota unveil their new line of killer robots next month", said astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson. "Damn Japanese!"
- CNN Wire Staff "Shuttle Discovery docks with space station for 13th and final time". CNN, February 26, 2011
- Lance Ulanoff "Robonaut 2's Space Shuttle Trip is a Small Step for Robot Kind". PC Magazine, February 25, 2011