UnNews:Killer Tornado Apprehended
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Killer Tornado Apprehended
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, September 2, 2015, 17:10:UTC)(
16 November 2006
RIEGELWOOD, North Carolina - A killer tornado was apprehended by police today, after a hair raising hostage situation and chase, resulting in the deaths of eight people, and the injury of twenty.
When asked why the tornado did it, it replied cooly that it was an accident, and that it in fact "tripped," and lost its balance, resulting in a lot of stumbling which destroyed an area of a half mile by a mile. "Yeah right, we don't believe that fuck!" a Columbus County Emergency Services spokesman said, in reply.
"We're not sure, but what we think really happened was warm moist air shot upward meeting colder, dryer air. A strong updraft formed, and as the warm moist air rose, it met varying wind directions at different altitudes which were staggered in just the right manner with sufficient speed, acting on the upward rising air, spinning it like a top. Either that or the guy got drunk after his wife cheated on him and decided to go on a rampage," said meteorologist Chad Myers.
Whatever the cause, the rampage didn't last long, as police discovered the tornado shortly after it touched down, and instructed it to cease all movement. When the tornado refused, police opened fire, with no effect, leading them to believe the tornado was hopped up on drugs. After a short chase, the tornado found itself cornered, and decided to take hostages in a small trailer park. It demanded warm air and pizza, but was delivered neither before it made a break for it to the west. Police continued chasing the desperate tornado, and eventually lost sight of it as it passed behind a telephone pole. It turns out the tornado was merely hiding, however, and police picked the chase back up as it came out from its hiding spot. Eventually the tornado took a wrong turn into a cold pocket of air, and was apprehended by as many as 34 police officers, ending a destructive chase.
The tornado is currently being held in a County lockup awaiting its court date, set for November 30th. The tornado faces 8 counts of murder in the first degree, 20 counts of assault, and 700 counts of destruction of property. The maximum sentence the tornado can receive is 6 hours of community service, and infinity life sentences in a state prison.
"I just..don't understand why a good tornado would be tempted to resort to these kinds of actions..it makes me cry," said meteorologist Jim Johnson.