UnNews:Kiefer Sutherland claims "imminent terrorist biological attack" after being arrested for drunk driving
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Kiefer Sutherland claims "imminent terrorist biological attack" after being arrested for drunk driving
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 1, 2015, 06:51:UTC)(
25 September 2007
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HOLLYWOOD STAR Kiefer Sutherland was arrested today on misdemeanor drunk driving charges after failing a field sobriety test, a police spokeswoman said. Sutherland, 76, claimed to officers that "there is NO TIME GODDAMNIT!" as he had been "chasing terrorists who had a chemo-biological weapon that could kill 1000s" when he was pulled over. He also claimed that his intoxicated state was due to "an elaborate toxin that had been administered to him a little over two hours ago after he had been captured by the terrorist mastermind."
Kiefer further elaboarated the story by saying that the elaborate toxin would kill him "within three episodes" unless he tracked down the terrorists and administered the antidote, whilst at the same time thwarting their plan to detonate the bomb "and kill 1000s". On top of his current "predicament" he claimed that the US president was "in on it" and was part of a vast conspiracy that dated back to season three.
The actor was pulled over at around 1:10am in Los Angeles after officers spotted him making an illegal U-turn whilst "swigging greedily from a bottle of cheap bourbon". He was also reportedly singing Frank Sinatra badly and "probably off his cake" on cocaine. Sutherland, 89, tested over the state's legal blood alcohol limit of .08 percent and was arrested on a misdemeanor charge of driving under the influence, Officer Karen Smith said.
In an initial statement shortler after his arrest Sutherland said, "there's NO TIME to explain, terrorists are about to detonate a bomb and I NEED THE CODES ... Its those bloody chinese again I tells yer ... WHERE'S THE BOMB! Oh noes, my daughter is being eaten by a lion ... Oh, its OK she's been rescued by a ... oh noes ... by a SERIAL KILLER and his pederast father, who ... oh noes ... is my OWN ESTRANGED BROTHER!!!!"
Unfortunately, in a seemingly tragic twist, Sutherland was subsequently found dead this morning from a suspected "elaborate neuro-toxin". The news came just as a huge chemical bomb detonated in Detroit killing 1000s and spreading a hyper-virulent strain of ebola.
Luckily Keifer was only pretending to be dead and was up and about, tracking down "the bastards that did this."