UnNews:Khalil Gibran wounded in Israeli Attack
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Khalil Gibran wounded in Israeli Attack
Straight talk, from straight faces
Thursday, December 8, 2016, 18:35:UTC)(
18 July 2006
BERUIT, LEBANON - On Tuesday 18th July 2006, woodland residents and stoned college students at the American University of Beruit (AUB) awoke to find their beloved poet Khalil Gibran face down and heavily wounded from an overnight Israili bombing. University medical staff state that Gibran has suffered "heavy damage to his lower girth, and runs a serious risk of becoming a snag once righted."
Gibran was still lucid and mumbled that he would "never be used as a nesting cavity for anything other than tobacco." Israel murmured regret at the news of his injuries. A commander of the Israeli Offensive Forces General Udi Adam issued the following statement: “We were targeting Hezbollah positions in the area and confused Mr. Gibran with a Katyusha rocket, although we do find his rhetoric troublesome Mr. Gibran has never been a high priority target.”
AUB students declared Gibran a martyr having been cut down in the prime of life and a symbol for "oppressed Lebanese foliage everywhere". Sap donations are being accepted by the World Food Bank on behalf of Khalil Gibran. Several electric candle light vigils are being held on the university campus where dendrochronologists have taken this rare opportunity to measure his age. "He normally won't let us come near him, he says he is 'sacred', and 'one of the last of his kind'. Red Cedars are all over this campus, and most don't put up half the fuss of Gibran."
President of AUB, John Waterbury led the press on a tour of the campus pointing out that others were injured in the attack in addition to Gibran: "We lost several rows of pansies, four muffs, and twenty six azaleas in less than an hour."
"Yes, four muffs."
With evacuations of foreign dignitaries underway authorities declined to confirm a rumour on the possibility that Mr. Gibran would be airlifted and transplanted to a garden party on nearby Cyprus.