UnNews:Khaleid Sheikh Mohammed Confesses
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Khaleid Sheikh Mohammed Confesses
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 26, 2016, 21:00:UTC)(
15 March 2007
Pentagon officials speaking from their secret volcano lair have stated that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has confessed to:
Edit: 3/15/07: He's also freely confessed to killing Daniel Pearl.
Planning the 9/11 attacks
Telling people to put bombs in their shoes
Putting a giant ""Laser"" on the frickin moon
Trying to kill The Pope
Trying to kill The President of Pakistan
Blowing up the empire state building
Being Santa Claus
And about twenty more.
It’s easy to believe that Mohammed is a terrorist mastermind, considering his fiendish and calculating appearance:
No… No wait that looks like my dad after a bad night of drinking. Can we get a real photo of Mr. Mohammed up?
Wait. I’ve just been informed that that photo actually IS Khaleid Sheikh Mohammed, and more astonishingly he looked that bad BEFORE they tortured him in secret prisons for four years. Speaking of which, let’s hear from the master terrorist himself as he makes his most stunning revelation.
Mohammed is quoted as saying "I was responsible for the 9/11 operation from A to Z," He then went on to say “Also, I’m Santa Claus, and I killed Kennedy. Please to remove cattle prod from my arse now?”
Much of his statement was blacked out by the military, which released parts of it that were incriminating. However, we have obtained a transcript of his statement wherein the blacked out parts are visible. I want to mention that many Bothans died to bring this to us:
not resonsible for every terrorist attack in the world. I am only saying this because I feel them applying the electrodes again and do not want my genitals shocked any more. I have nothing to be guilty for. I am in a dungeon somewhere, please, if you read this, send help or at least ask them to stop using the leashes on me. My thick coat of hair can only keep me safe and well kept for so long. George Bush is A devil. I hope that the next president will be a good man , hopefully a democrat, will put an end to the secret prisons or at least not drink the blood of Iraqi babies every day like the current one.
This latest confession confirms the theories of many terrorism experts. It has been believed for a long time that Mohammed was actually Santa Claus, especially because the other suspect pictured below was impossible to apprehend since, and I quote, "No one wants to touch him”
Many of the lawyers for the imprisoned
people, I’m sorry, Enemy Combatants of Darkness, have complained of the fact that their clients are being tried secretly. They also complain that it is difficult to find a jury of their peers, since most of their peers live in caves, or goat rectums. However, their attorney’s contend, it is a tad unfair to try them before a jury made up of the people who dragged them from their homes and tortured them.
The associated press filed a writ claiming that it is "an unconstitutional mistake to close the proceedings in their entirety." The military’s head interrogator, General Torquemada, had no comment directly on the Associated Press’ filing, but he did point out that Khaleid Sheikh Mohammed has confessed, in advance, to kidnapping and imprisoning whoever filed the statement.
torture interrogation experts contend that it is necessary to keep the hearings secret so that future terrorists we catch will not know what to expect during their captivity:
“No one expects to have a lightbulb shoved up their ass! No one!” Exclaimed one of the soldiers tasked with obtaining Mohammed’s confession. He continued “You COULD tell people what all those car batteries and nipple clamps are for, but it would ruin the surprise.”
We pointed out that some international organizations, such as the
Red Cross or Amnesty International Commies might consider that torture. We also mentioned that people will admit to all sorts of things if you drown them enough. In response the military expert produced yet another signed confession from Mr. Mohammed admitting to his responsibility for torturing inmates (including himself) at Guantanamo Bay and other secret prisons.
This is not the first time that Khaleid Sheikh Mohammed has used his fiendish powers to make the US look bad. After months of
brutal torture time spent in a US resort, he sent out a (not at all coerced) statement saying there was a link between Saddam Hussein and Al Qaida.