UnNews:Keyboards "so dirty they had to be used as toilet seats"
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Keyboards "so dirty they had to be used as toilet seats"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 24, 2015, 18:05 (UTC)
1 May 2008
edit Keyboards "so dirty they had to be used as toilet seats"
LONDON, United Kingdom A new investigation at the Which? underground lair has revealed that their keyboards are being used in a secret biological warfare programme. In what could be the largest underground terrorist organisation since the Teletubbies, the workers at Which? have been secretly been guinea pigs for a nationwide terrorist strike. Whilst the managers of the evil conglomorate claim it could just "cause food poisoning," secret reporters have found a far more sinister danger lurking between the seemingly innocent keys.
Out of a total of 33 keyboards tested, 4 were found to be primed and ready for action, ready to spread an epidemic of bibilical proportions on the unsuspecting people of Foggy London Town. Microbiologist Dr Peter Wilson said a keyboard was often "a reflection of what is in the nose and gut of a dying man, contaminated with 372 different deadly diseases". The extent of this shocking claim was apparent, as, when investigating this report, as the microbiologist had to be taken away, decontaminated, and destroyed for merely being in the proximity of the keyboard. The implications of these as a weapon are too horrible to think about. As Team America claimed in a statement this afternoon, it would be "9/11 times 1000, or 911000!"
The allegations presented to Which? by UnNews were promptly brushed off, and the full extent of the situation was brushed under the table, placing the blame on poor personal hygiene. Revelations that the keyboards were actually being used as a toilet seat in the men's public toilets in Covent Garden also began to emerge, although these too were denied and dismissed as Bullshit. Reliable sources open to UnNews revealed that this was the case, with the concentrated bodily fluids bonding together to form horrific and disturbing new diseases, as well as more classic diseases such as AIDS. Revelations such as these could well bring down the international super-terrorist group that it Which? once and for all.