UnNews:Kerry warns youth to avoid foreign wars
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
4 November 2006
PASADENA, California -- Massachusetts Senator John Kerry, in a speech at a Democratic Party rally on Monday, warned the youth of America to stay in school or risk ending up entangled in a long, bloody and ultimately fruitless foreign war. Kerry told the mostly community college student audience at Pasadena City College that, "Education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. And if you don't, you get stuck in Iraq." Kerry went on to explain how when President Bush was a student, he slacked off, went to parties, turned in mediocre work, and drank alot. "Now look at him: President of the United States and hopelessly caught in a badly conceived war in the Middle East."
Republicans were outraged at what they perceived to be an attack on the soldiers who are fighting in Iraq. Republican Party Chairman Ken Mehlman demanded that Kerry apologize for disgracing the memory of the 2,500 Americans and 650,000 Iraqis who have died in President Bush's War on Terror. "No self-respecting corpse should take this crap from Kerry," said Mehlman. "This is why we need to support our President: so that he can arrest dirty, America-hating liberals like John Kerry and have the police beat them within an inch of their lives!" When asked to clarify, Mehlman's face turned bright red and he began foaming at the mouth, demanding an end to all taxes for large corporations.
Spokesman for John Kerry, Michael Larson, elaborated on the concept after the rally. "If you look at the prospects for employment in this country, it gets very bleak if you don't have any education. These people face a future where they bounce from one low-paying job to another. Soon they have piled up so many debts and can't find an honest job, forcing them into becoming a politician. From their it's a short path to becoming Commander-In-Chief of the nation's armed forces."
The public reaction to Kerry's remarks has been positive so far. When asked what she thoght of the speech, student Allyson Wright commented that, "I think he's right. I mean, didn't he almost become, like, president himself? Besides my boyfriend is a total slacker and I can totally see him becoming president some day."